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every other current events magazine (ie. newsweek, TIME, us news, etc.) has at minimum an article on how people are flipping out about oil, the quest for alternative energy, reducing consumption/emissions, and the war in iraq. most of these articles revolve around disagreements: will we run out of oil soon or not, should we drill for oil or focus on hybrid cars, are we in iraq because we think we can make the world a better place, or do we just want their oil, blah blah.

well, while the media blowhards are spewing forth sugarcoated facts and figures and facilitating arguments and inducing widespread paranoia, yours truly has forged a plan for fixing it all:

destroy all the oil in the problematic areas of the middle east. yeah, that’s right. look what happened in 1773 when we destroyed all the brit’s tea? now we’re free, baby! now, if instead of bombing innocent citizens and “terrorists,” we destroy their oil rigs and refineries, then three of the following four people will shut their mouths:

1) LIBERALS - what’s up now? you think we’re in it for the oil? well we just destroyed it all so you better go back to the drawing board and find something else to whine about. i’d recommend dick cheney shooting people in the FACE.

2) TERRORISTS - where’s your money going to come from now, losers? with no oil, there’s no revenue so your corrupt govts. can’t kickback their profits to your militias to help carry out all your jihads. better walk down to the nearest 7-11 and buy yourself a lottery ticket, cuz your funds are about to dry up. unless all your suicide bombers turn into macgyvers pretty damn quick, it looks like you’ll be having some problems without govt.-donated C-4. try making a suicide bomb out of a paperclip and a match - doesn’t work so well, does it? try taking down a US airport with a spork and a supersoaker. we’re sorry, we thought there were WMDs in that oil rig.

which brings me to a random point: do the 7-11s in the middle east have only middle-aged white guys from wisconsin working the counters?

3) ENERGY NERDS/ANALYSTS - oh, no, all the oil is gone! gas is going to skyrocket to $20/gallon, what are we going to do? well one thing can be said - you’ll stop dicking around about what is the best way to proceed for the future because the future is now. nothing says technology evolution like a severe supply shock, baby! so get your asses in gear and make some policy and some sweeter cars. is the hydrogen economy the answer? or hybrid cars? sorry! you’ll have to stop arguing and do something now so i can afford to leave my house.

4) KANYE WEST - wait, maybe we can bomb his house too. “i ain’t sayin’ we be gold diggas. but now we messin’ with some oil riggas” - take that hit to #1. ps: president bush hates you.

but still - could this guy (a guy in my lab) get any closer to his computer screen? i didn’t think it was even possible to focus on something that close. maybe he has a “macro mode” button or something. also, he does wear glasses.

i live on the campus where i “go to school.” i use quotes because i am a grad student and therefore “going to school” isn’t really “going to school.” however, i still have to get to school, and this usually involves walking across/through campus…and observing some awesome, annoying, and sometimes messed up crap…like, for example, how all of a sudden biking becomes socially acceptable again. however, there’s one problem - at least 95% of the campus population barely remembers or knows how to ride a bike.

now maybe that 95% directly correlates with the percentage of people that were (are) cooler than me in high school (ie. do NOT have blogs now) for the main reason that i still biked to school up through my senior year. but while my secondary school cohorts were ridiculing the two-wheeler in all its lameness, i was retaining and developing valuable skills/courtesy for when i would have to ride a bike on a college campus.

see, on a college campus, automobiles as well as “being cool” are impractical. getting around on a bike is now normal, thanks to the fact that people capable of driving are opting not to drive, and therefore, those chastizing it in highschool and even earlier must now face the real world. it’s like that crappy movie “encino man” all over again. but instead of the caveman being unfrozen after eons and learning to deal with the social situation and what four people are calling “the awesome humor of pauly shore,” it is instead that high school faction that embraced the auto as means of a post-pubescent status booster; casting aside their bicycle roots.

as such, these folk have now fallen into two distinct, and equally ridiculous categories while awkwardly excersing their transportation options on campus.

(I). the first, and probably least problematic from a safety standpoint is the “sloth biker.” these cyclists - and i mean that word in a purely “one who bikes” kind of way, despite its intense, professional connotation - are usually spotted approaching the pedestrian sound barrier at around 2mph. they manage to get in about one complete pedal revolution for every minute they spend on the bike (which is a lot), and it’s amazing they have enough momentum to keep the bike from tipping over. often they are passed by powerwalkers, rollerbladers, your average turtle, and occassionally sauntering, ipodded walkers.

why should i care that they are biking slow? it’s their choice, and it’s not like they are rickshawing me around to appointments. i guess it’s kind of like releasing the shackels from a prisoner and watching them just hang out in prison. you are on a bike! you have this incredible opportunity to be efficient and aerobic! could it hurt you to go just a little faster? my friend with the broken leg is trying to get around you…

(II) the second class is clearly the most obvious, and also most entertaining. i will describe it as the drunken clown riding the clown bicycle in a circus parade. always looking around at something not in the direction they are heading, their aimless meandering makes negotiating any space around them completely unpredictable. they are usually carrying on conversations with fellow bikers, whom are all riding at totally different speeds (hence the looking backwards and circling around like the flying monkeys on wizard of oz). i love these guys. often when they crash into people it’s funny and both crashing parties are lighthearted about it, unless one of the parties actually knows how to ride a bike…then we’ve got some campus bike rage on our hands.

*note* read prior post first.

well my dad must be quite in the loop today, as no more than 2hrs went by before the next local clipping (this one a police report…oooh, inside info) appeared in my inbox: “victim confesses taco bell robbery was a hoax”

aww, looks like his conscience or inability to concoct a reasonable story got the best of him. this guy must write those “one minute mystery” books for kids where the case is solved in like 2 pages after some obvious clues of inconsistency.

although the town will probably be talking about this for the next month, i’ll try to refrain from giving it any more publicity here.

coming from a small town, and currently being far away from that small town , my dad routinely sends my sister and i newsclippings via snailmail about what is important to a town of 10,000 while i’m away. recently, he has made the transition to scanning the articles and emailing them. amazing what power the price of a stamp has on motivating my dad to teach himself technology. anyway, the most recent headline: “robber shows knife, gets no cash” tells the story of how the taco bell in my hometown was robbed at gunpoint. let me provide a few excerpts from this article…

“…a man attempted to rob a taco bell restaurant employee at 9:30am”

“the suspect displayed a long-bladed knife and demanded money. the employee did not give any money to the suspect; who then fled on foot…”

1) is taco bell even open at 9:30am? i mean i crave double decker tacos just as much as the next guy, but i’d probably pass on something that will put me in the bathroom before i can think about getting out of bed in the morning
2) what kind of ARMED robber FAILS at getting money? granted the employee had some cohones, perhaps a post-9/11 mentality about taking shit from terrorists or taco bell thiefs, but still…i’d like to see a bit more effort.

this sounds almost too retarded to be true…

lame away message of the day: “you and i should get away for awhile, i just want to be alone with your smile”…class.

1. gag me with some hungarian beef goulash (again i don’t even know if it’s gross, but i like saying it all dramatically)

2. even if those are the lyrics to some sweet michael bolton song, they do not belong in an away message, especially if it’s a dude.

3. i know it’s v-day, but if you feel like expressing your happiness for a lucky lady, clearly your i.m. away message is the most romantic way. i wonder if anyone has proposed over i.m. probably.

4. “…class” i hope it’s a class on writing away messages (rimshot!)

prepare for the epic. it will start off slow, hopefully gain momentum, and then maybe conan will reference it on his show.

[10.15.07] - i’m working on the geological timescale.