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march madness is here, baby! people all over the country, whether they’ve ever watched a college basketball game or not, are making bold predictions with no basis whatsoever and getting up in each other’s faces about it (it’s really quite great). most people pick the winners of the games based on seeds. some people based on which team they heard a lot about. others, mascot toughness.

but this year, i’ve taken the guessing out of NCAA Tournament predictions. behold, THE COIN FLIP BRACKET. i have filled out an entire bracket based on the concept of HEADS (higher seed wins) and TAILS (lower seed wins).

to make this simulation SLIGHTLY more realistic, i decided to adjust for SEED DIFFERENCES as follows:
1) a seed difference of one or zero = one flip, 50/50 odds
2) other seed differences follow the simple rule:

(seed difference)/2 = amount of flips that MUST COME UP TAILS in order for the lower seed to move to the next round. if HEADS comes up at all during any of the coin flips, the higher seed wins.

EXAMPLE: (4) LSU vs. (13) Iona

(13-4)/2 = 4.5 ~ 5. TAILS must come up 5 times in a row for Iona to move on.

scoring is standard per all other bracket pools. rd.1=10pt, then 20, 40, 80, 100, 100. plus seed bonus (add seed number equivalent of points for each correct pick).

the completely filled out COIN FLIP BRACKET is below. it’s actually pretty messed up, as i’d never have UCLA or LSU in the final four, but whatever. check it out, compare it to yours. i’ll update accrued points as the games are played…

yesterday i saw a commercial advertising jokes that you can get sent to your cell phone in text format. “to get the best jokes” and “make your friends laugh” all you need to do is text the word “JOKE” to 85050, and they will send you “the most wanted jokes” for $0.99 per joke/day.

now, $0.99 is a lot of cash to shell out for a freakin’ joke, especially considering the age of GOOGLE and 7yr old cousins. that being said, the monthly rate of $29.70 is a steep price to pay for being funny in an unoriginal kind of way…or will you be?

i decided for the sake of pure entertainment, to shell out a few bucks and see just HOW AWESOME these jokes could possibly be. within seconds i received MY FIRST JOKE which i will reproduce below:

“if i have a fight with my wife, she gets historical! - don’t you mean hysterical? - no, historical. she remembers everything i ever said or did. ‘:-)”

well fucking ROFL LOL. that’s not even a JOKE. it required a character within the “joke” to actually set up the joke. that’s like telling someone a knock-knock joke but doing both parts yourself. LAME.

AND, they put that little ASCII smiley face in there at the end as to say “haha you LOSER we just made $1″

so i HAD to unsubscribe ASAP from this garbage…but i forgot and my phone wakes me up this morning to let me know - it’s JOKETIME! seeing as i already paid for this one too, i decided to have a read. maybe they will redeem themselves. here we go:

“why does a Lada have heating in the boot? - so you won’t get cold hands when you’re pushing it. ‘:-)”

WTF?! who is writing this comedic gold? dennis miller?
question #1: what the crap is a “Lada.”
question #2: what the crap does “heating in the boot” mean?

not to be outdone by some 13yr old kid who probably set up this whole joke scam, i did some googling. it has now been confirmed that a “LADA” is actually a russian car of some sort. to tackle question #2, i had countless conversations with BRITISH people. as such, it has also been confirmed that BOOT = TRUNK, as in the rear storage area of a car.

why does the joke combine british slang with a russian automobile?? well i guess the UK began importing Ladas in the 70’s and it became a niche car. DUH.

APPARENTLY, what i gather from this joke is that Ladas are really crappy cars, and EVERYONE knows this, so that’s why the joke is SO funny.

so maybe the service should change their marketing strategy to “ESOTERIC SHIT TEXTED TO YOUR PHONE FOR $.99″

but hey, at least i learned something and now i can tell the joke and make people feel inadequate for not getting it.

CONCLUSION: after flushing $1.98 down the toilet, i have officially opted out. to me, it would have been totally worth it if i was rich, just to have all this crappy material to blog about. i think tomorrow i will give $0.99 to some drunk-ass bum face down in his 13th shot of bourbon.

FACT: jack daniels dijon mustard contains a small amount of jack daniels whiskey.

which would occur first? vomiting from getting drunk off jack daniels dijon mustard, or vomiting from eating too much mustard?

according to my calculations, assuming the liver can process one 9oz bottle of jack daniels dijon mustard per hour, i think one would have to eat about 67 of your standard JD dijon mustards in an hour or so in order to get wasted. i say it’s worth it, especially if you’re underage.

in lieu of the recent controversy surrounding baseball player Barry Bonds, i thought it appropriate to post a special “awareness article” about steroid use in elementary schools…

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River Hills, WI - It seems as though the effects of doping in Major League Baseball, highlighted by such sluggers as Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, and Barry Bonds, have trickled down into foundations of learning: elementary schools.

Just yesterday, a report of recess violence at Woodview Elementary near the jungle gym (adjacent to the north entrance) which left five 2nd graders aching in pain from what was described as “the worst mass charlie horsing ever,” initiated an investigation into this unexpected outburst of anger. (more…)

the day: yesterday - for the first time ever in the history of me, i actually watched the academy awards in its entirety; and of course i realized why last night was the first time.

amidst jon stewart’s awkward attempted dialogue with a stiff celeb crowd and selma hyek’s breasts, i saw a most appropriate commercial for a prescription sleeping aid, “lunesta.” wooed by their catchphrase, “this great night’s sleep is brought to you by lunesta” i checked out their website like a loser. anyway, per the commercial/website, “side effects may include unpleasant taste, headache, DROWSINESS, dizziness.” not only does it sound like someone prescribed 500mg of my mom’s meatloaf, but DROWSINESS? - well no shit.

in other news, i slept just fine last night, and THAT great night’s sleep was brought to you by five taquitos and several glasses of wine. side effects may include spouting off sarcastic comments at the television, and eating more taquitos.

5. does bob costas sleep? EVER?

4. dick chaney shot someone in the FACE. the FACE.

3. thank god there hasn’t been an O.C. episode in awhile. this 3rd season might as well be flushed down the toilet. argh. the first season was SO AWESOME (damn right i watch the O.C.)

2. why is carson daly’s monologue on “last call with moron daly” so awkward and sucky? oh wait, i know the answer to this one. it’s because it’s carson daly.

1. how come doogie howser md can only type at 4 words per minute? i thought he was supposed to be a whizkid, but here during the last 5min of the each episode, watching doogie’s computer screen in agony while he craps out 2 sentences on how he was sweet during that day.