blogfaced.com

i can’t believe it took me this long to remember how much i despise hippies/protesters. president bush was at stanford today, meeting with a think tank at the hoover institution, which was barracaded off to the public from about noon to like 8pm.

yeah, that’s right - i went to see what was going on and took my hardhitting journalism skillz with me - just to see how many lunatics spent their entire week making posters out of paper plates. considering the secrecy of the event, i’m impressed with how quickly some of stanford’s elite were able to come up with poster slogans and construct them. definitely took some time out of playing HALO, so i commend their pre-school elmer’s glue crunchtime prowess. however, i think whether you’re a disconnected protestor at stanford or stanford state you’re cut from the same tie-dyed cloth of cloud 9ness. most of the posters don’t make any sense, which is not surprising considering the ponytailed green-canvas-wearing, button-clad hippie was probably stoned when he made it (yeah, i said it).

what was interesting is how many people had no idea what was going on or where the president was. the mere fact that people probably hung out there for 8 hours on a weekday, waiting to shout a few words (which i’m sure he’s never heard before) at nothing pretty much justifies the uselessness of a modern-day protester. it was exactly like being at a phish concert after the main act and waiting for the encore: people randomly “cheering” while everyone from forrest rangers to rent-a-cops to secret service did their song and dance around the barracades. every once and awhile someone would get the impression that bush was coming, and cheering would erupt - but it turned out to be a roadie with some amps and a few untuned guitars.

so, i figured i could have done the cliche buffalo springfield or CCR protest/war montage, but that pumps hippies up too much and they’ll flip out and start running around naked and blasting john lennon from their vans. as such, i used a more modern audio track. check it out:

WE NEED A MONTAGE

so hey, man. join the revolution. yeah. maybe i should respect the fact that protesters just like to shout, even if it’s gibberish. a perfect example was when they undermined their most original, organized chant, “bush go home!” with the more emotional “show your face!” after several hours of his absence. well, do you want him to stay or go?

and crap, i really wanted that firetruck to keep moving when a couple martyr-hippies refused to get out of the way. maybe the truck was trying to run them over but was repelled by the hippie’s lack of deodorant.

for me, it was a wasted hour of speculation and entertainment at others’ expense. but it could have been worse - i could have looked like this guy:

today i saw a bum with an ipod.

skepticism of sparing change for the homeless will now have a new look:

BUM: hey bro, can you spare some change?
NOT BUM: how do i know you’re not going to take my change and go right around the corner to the apple store and buy an ipod nano?
BUM: yeah, should i get the 2gb or the 4gb?
NOT BUM: well how big is your music library?
BUM: pretty much a few songs that i wrote with desmond on 43rd and chestnut who has a harmonica…and some clay aiken.
NOT BUM: perhaps the ipod shuffle seems more in your price range.
BUM: but it has no screen
NOT BUM: true. here’s a nickel.
BUM: god bless, man.

steve jobs has officially taken over the world.

as a few of you are already aware, i spend minutes everyday, or other day, or three days, bringing the hard-hitting journalism and commentary you deserve. i comb the literature, cite the facts, and post those difficult-to-capture pulitzer photos. this is my sacrifice for all of you. sometimes it’s a slow day on the blogging front, and i could compromise a few of my values and post some garbage about how i made a quilt last night, or how the cafeteria was all sold out of buffalo chicken wraps and i was pissed…but i don’t.

however, recently it has occurred to me, that some people actually make a blog out of this. various sites, which will go named, such as “livejournal” or “webdiary” and the like actually give those itching to share the mundane details of their life (like how it took 4 hours to shovel the driveway and you didn’t expect it to take that long but afterwards, the hot chocolate was really good…like your mom used to make) a chance to let it all out.

i don’t really understand the point. maybe i’m just jealous and bitter because all they have to do is wake up in the morning and take a really long crap in order to have something to write about; whereas my writers pull their hair out for hours, only seem to work about 3-4 days a week, and after all that spit out some rant about jamba juice or a punchline about some current event. and when they’re off, man do i struggle. and by no means am i saying my life is interesting - it’s not. i am a student. i have a computer. end of story.

but seriously. i know the internet is full of useless crap, but why would anyone care that you stayed in last night to do some cooking with your fiance. then the two of you watched “step mom” and went to bed. before bed, you read some of the da vinci code and you’re almost done! you can’t wait for the movie.

why are you blogging about this? and most importantly, why are you blogging at all? you already have a boyfriend - isn’t the point of keeping up a blog to score dates?

i guess i’m also oldschool when it comes to the diary thing. AS I RECALL, any diary you bought at office depot or some pump-up back-2-school stationary store had a LOCK on it. as in NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS BUT MATT MCPLAYER IS THE CUTEST GUY IN THE 3rd GRADE. i bet the web diary people now were probably the same folk that flipped out at age 8 when their older brother stole their diary and picked the lock with a paperclip. now all he needs is a computer and some googling skillz.

and next, don’t call me a stalker for stumbling on your site and reading it. i mean, it’s OUT THERE. and since you know people are going to randomly come across it, the least you could do is embellish a bit. maybe throw in a fact about CHUCK NORRIS

well, that marks about the first victory for the french since…well…yeah. go the french!

pardon my tonight show-esque one-liner, but i just couldn’t resist. and don’t think i am bias against the french. my father is french…kind of.

me: crap, i’m really hungry but there’s nowhere on this campus to eat
someone else: jamba juice is open
me: jamba juice?
someone else: yeah, you could get a SMOOTHIE! - that should tie you over.
me: SHIT NO.

it’s not just that fact that their “shakes” weigh 40 pounds. it’s like eating a box of grape nuts in one sitting (which, i argue, cannot be done without imploding). i have no idea how they pack SO much into something the size of a softdrink. and what the crap is a “boost?” they might as well throw a 9-volt battery in your shake, or some speed. i’ve witnessed jamba juicings of friends before - afterwards, it’s not pretty.

but really - a “shake” or “smoothie” is a dessert. thus, if i’m going to have a shake, it will be in conjunction with a meal…and taste good - like chocolate or strawberry maybe. and this is where jamba juice has failed. they have made the shake = the meal. what a waste of a meal…on a shake. next thing you know you’re in the bathroom and NOT HUNGRY for REAL, TASTY food like pork chops and lasagna.

next, they made the meal of non-dessert-like flavors, like green tea crap, “orange-a-peel,” or “razzmatazz!” yeah, i want a shake with ground up orange peels in it. this isn’t LOST - i can get a burrito or a hamburger or anything else that my body is actually capable of digesting from right across the street if i wanted. they might as well have a “cinderblock crunch buster” flavor. “razzmatazz?” sounds “dazzling,” but who knows how many poop “boosts” they put in there.

so, if jamba juice wants to win my heart, they need to do the following:

1) make the shakes alcoholic - this way, one can get their daily recommended dose of bowel movements, calories, and get drunk all in about 25 min off of pretty much something the size of a soft drink. the ultimate in efficiency. they could even serve them in red cups or martini glasses

2) REAL shake flavors like “filet mignon-o-rama” or “taquito-sunrise” would be awesome. if a shake had a big-ass filet mignon in it or some taquitos, maybe i’d consider it. other flavors i’d like to see would be “cap’n crunch berry breeze,” “sour cream and onion pringles passion” and maybe “pack of hot dogs in the size of a shotglass…paradise.” accompanying “boosts” could include mozzarella sticks and kraft cheese singles.

3) start selling jamba shots - these items would be great. it would be the same power of a normal jamba juice but in the size of a shot glass and designed to be taken down in one slider-from-top-gun-bar-scene-in-the-beginning-where-he-meets-maverick-and-goose motion. these would all be pre-made. you pay, you take, you slam, you leave.

4) a jamba juice challenge - just like if you go to that one ribs place in your hometown you have the option of eating 10 lbs of ribs and then you get it for free - jamba juice should have a mega-smoothie (like a big gulp of smoothies) that combines like ALL the boosts. and you have like 25min to finish it. i would hang out at jamba juice all day to watch people attempt this without vomiting or convulsing from too much power.

take it or leave it jamba juice. but for now, i’m sticking to bubble tea.

now i know there have been some rumors about the possibility of cellphones causing brain tumors. i have been using a cellphone since about 2003 and i can assure all three of you that there is no harm in using cellphones. to prove this i just did the multiplication tables (1 through 9) and recalled all of the 87 states in alphabetical order. and you see, my sentiments are also being echoed by the FDA.

recently, the FDA (the same people that recommend all sorts of stuff nobody listens to) questioned a study by the “swedish national institute for working life” correlating cellphone usage to brain cancer. this makes me feel a bit more confident in the competency of the FDA, and really doesn’t change that much any of my presumptions of the swiss. apparently, the swiss (swiss, swedish - whatever) study used “questionnaires” sent to thousands of participants to decide that cellphone usage over time increased the risk of brain cancer. i can just imagine how accurate this study would have to be:

that being said, even if cellphones caused brain cancer, that can’t be that bad, can it? i mean, talking on a cellphone shouldn’t be allowed to make you smarter or cooler - especially if you’re on a crowded subway or bus and that one guy next to you blabbing loudly on his cellphone won’t shut up about “having the numbers on his desk tomorrow morning” and “the smith proposal.” i mean i’d much rather see THAT GUY collapse from some brain malfunction than the guy whose just quietly minding his own business, kicking ass at sudoku.

ps-just so we get one thing straight, my NCAA bracket that was picked via coinflips picked 50% of the final four teams and 50% of the final two teams. now, i’m an expert

well i’m declaring myself desperate for material today, so what the hell, why not bring back one of those excellent text message jokes suckers can get sent to their cellphone for $0.99/day. maybe i will accept donations if i keep these kinds of posts going, but every once and awhile it’s good to see if this crackhead joke-texting company (and by company i mean 13yr old british kid…probably) has lost their comedic touch…

and just so you believe me that i am actually receiving this crap on my phone instead of googling really bad jokes just to save a shekel, i included a screen shot (yes i know my battery is low). this is the real deal, people…

what is grey and not there.
no elephants.

well crap. not only did they opt for the command form of the question (aka. NO QUESTION MARK) but it is quite unclear to me as to whether or not the person being told the joke is supposed to answer incorrectly so that the punchline becomes “no, you dumbass - elephants. duh” however, after talking it through with the kid from jerry mcguire, it has become clear to me that elephants are indeed grey, so simply “elephants” cannot be the “answer.”

NOW, let us consider the literal punchline: “no elephants”

ok, so i get that if there are no elephants around (specifically “there”), they can still be grey. but so can a lot of stuff - cooked hamburger meat is kind of grey. so are steel reinforcement beams and some 4-door sedans. but maybe all these items were “there” at the time of the joke. but what if you were telling this joke in the african savannah? would the answer be an apple powerbook?

bottom line: this joke is not well thought out, but it does give rise to a new annoying joke template. the research to arrive at this new template is probably why we are being charged $0.99. see, now i can be funny to impress my friends:

what is yellow and not there. no canaries.
what is pink, purple, weird and not there. no dennis rodman.
what is brown and always there. chuck norris’s beard.

and so on.

i think my money would have been better spent on getting HALF of a pizza delivered from DOMINOS.

i know lately it seems as though i’ve just been picking on organizations and berrating them, but sometimes it’s just too easy. here i was just trying to sit down, relax a bit, maybe watch an episode or two of LOST and get a pizza for myself, macaulay culkin-style in home alone. ERROR.

DOMINO’S: um, domino’s pizza how can i help you. [yes, no question mark]
ME: yeah, i’d like a delivery
DOMINO’S: a doy, what’s your name
ME: arnold
D[takes 1min to type into computer]: ok, a doy, are you on spring street?
ME: no, that’s probably a DIFFERENT arnold. would you like my phone
number?
D: no, a doyie doy, that might be too much.
ME: [WTF?] um, ok.
D: is there anything else you’d like?
ME: besides this conversation to make sense and be productive towards
getting me a pizza? NO, NOT REALLY.
D: oh, you want a delivery?
ME: yes.
D: oh, i thought you already ordered.
me: yes, of course - i’m just calling domino’s, alone, late at night because i like
it when they talk retarded to me for $0.99/min.

[order finally happens]

D: that will be $11.90
ME: easy, there. what’s the tax?
D: 91 cents, a doy, and a delivery charge of $2.00
ME: a delivery charge?
D: yes, i’m sorry sir. that will be 35-40min.

a delivery charge? i don’t recall ever paying a delivery charge. you’re DOMINOS. it’s not like you didn’t know what you were getting into when you decided you wanted to DELIVER PIZZAS for a business model. next thing you’re going to tell me mcdonald’s is charging $1.00 for refills on sprite, and i have to pay to get into a women’s volleyball game.

well, at least the pizza wasn’t bad.

dear duke university lacrosse team,

thank you. no wait, hear me out. my hatred for DUKE goes way back to the early nineties when the “coach k” era began, and therefore is deeply rooted in NCAA basketball, and how you guys think you’re so sweet; which by extension seems to be embodied by the entire school - and therefore i have grown to roll my eyes in disgust at what duke represents.

you’re such the perfect school. your academics are solid, your foundation, pure. your basketball teams are indeed always elite, and your athletes always praised as being “model” collegians, with good grades, good morals, and set good examples. they always make the right decisions, sign autographs for little clueless kids, and “go pro in something other than sports” if they aren’t good enough to make the big leagues.

well what’s up now, MORONS. your team’s forcible rape charges will provide endless material for analogies and metaphors revolving around being inappropriate and demeaning to women. you have single-handedly managed to give the school more negative publicity than michael jackson at a chuck e cheese, all while reinforcing the stereotype that players on alpha-male sports teams think they are invincible because of whatever flintstone vitamins they popped that day.

but that being said, it’s nice to see that duke is normal just like any other university. scandals, NCAA infractions, athletes facing jailtime, bad publicity. although what happened is still sad, i am sitting back enjoying the fireworks. like when you always get busted by mom and dad for your older brother throwing food or starting fights - but then they walk in on him smoking pot and even though he looks like he’s in a lot of trouble, you’re smiling on the inside.

duke lacrosse - you LOSERS. you’re hurting the reputation of duke’s chess team, and solidifying the stereotypes of testosterone-driven sports teams - mainly that they are big meanies.

sincerely,
andrew