darwin 1 bees 0; dude in “my girl 2″: 1, macaulay culkin: 0.
Sunday, May 14th, 2006let me get straight to the issue - yesterday i got stung by a bee. on the foot. stupid me for wanting to take my sandals off and walk around in the grass.
for one, i can’t remember the last time i, or anyone i knew got stung by a bee.
i felt like i was eight years old and just went off the edge of the slip ‘n’ slide only to be greeted by something like TEN THOUSAND TIMES SMALLER THAN ME which is near capable of KICKING MY ASS. i forgot how much those things hurt. it makes you feel like a chump since they are so small. i’d much rather be grimacing because a polar bear punched me in the face than because a tiny insect bit me - i’m pretty sure if bees were capable of administering paper cuts they could probably take down most action heros, except for maybe steven segal.
BUT, as it turns out, i got the last laugh, since the bee probably DIED. why it is an evolutionary advantage to be a martyr is beyond me, but bees are pretty good at it, so what’s up now. maybe that’s how the dinosaurs wasted themselves - the cavedudes come into the picture, flex a bit and start running their mouths at the dinosaurs. then, the a t-rex gives a caveman a charlie horse right before he has a heart attack and dies . real smart.
therefore, i’m convinced the bee sting is no more than an evolutionary publicity stunt. i mean nobody would give a shit about bees if they didn’t sting you. nobody would talk about them, there would be no fear, no paranoia, no cereals, no action movies. now, a bee stings someone and they start complaining about it and blog about it or something, and before you know it everyone’s all “oh yeah, bees and stuff, etc.” next thing you know, they’re appearing in blockbuster movies and giving nightmares to 5yr olds. i give you “honey, i shrunk the kids.”
in fact, between the aforementioned moronic anti-darwinian traits possessed by the bees and the fact that they’re pretty much useless, it’s amazing they still even exist. i mean, it probably took at least half of all the bees in the world to kill off macaulay culkin’s career with the unfortunate scene in “my girl.” (speaking of, i just saw there was a “my girl 2″ - what?! isn’t that a bit cold? i guess she moved on fast, or nobody really cared about home alone (a post all in itself). anyway. slut.). in addition to that, they’re always stinging stuff and dying. how are they supposed to become stronger and more adaptive?
just think how much more awesome elementary school would be if every time a bully gave you a swirlie or a texas tittie twister he just flat out keeled over and died. i wonder if we’d have ANY violence, or, if we’d have the same amount of violence because bullies believe so passionately in their cause for tormenting kids sweet at math.
do you know that a beekeeper can make $20,000 - $100,000 per year? probably 20k if you’re a pansy, and maybe 100k if you’re willing to eat bumble bees on fear factor.
and can someone please put up a decent pic of honey nut cheerios on google image? all the crap up there now looks like ebay photos. like check out this vintage box of honey nut cheerios. unacceptable.
and called zach morris “preppy” to which he turned into the camera all awkwardly and said “time-out” we’re all supposed to freeze when he does this, but it’s really difficult to do, even for the AC. just when things couldn’t get any worse, a fly landed on my nose and caused me to sneeze. i messed up the whole scene”
all of a sudden my omnipotence and ominousness (?) has been stripped. you know, like the tough kid in elementary school who steals lunch money and pile drives people into lockers that everyone’s afraid of until they see his mom grab him by the ear after school and chew him out to the point of tears. suddenly, he’s not so tough.