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i’ve just decided that when (if) i become famous/reach celebrity status, and someone requests my autograph, i’m going to PRINT it. sure, i understand the efficiency of the scribbled, cursive autograph, but a printed autograph would be hilarious, especially in the arena of sports memorabilia resale. like a parent trying to verify the authenticity of two paint-by-numbered dog pictures on their refrigerator at home.

“yeah, sure that’s jordan’s autograph. it looks like an 8yr old did that…is that crayon?”

until that comes, i’m calling on all celebrities, and more so athletes to stray away from their penmanship roots and grab hold of the printed art. i want to see barry bonds with a toys-r-us “r” or annika sorenstam with a heart-shaped dot for the “i.” or tom cruise start spelling his name wrong, only to cross it out and rewrite it.

now that’s gotta be worth something.

i’ve kind of just realized that none of my categories make any sense, so use your imagination…

last weekend was the first time i had been in an airport/flew anywhere since starting down the path of no return that is the tv show L O S T. lets just say, for every character on the show, you can spot their identical real-life counterpart in an airport. even hurley. it’s really quite amazing.

that being said, there’s something about an airport that turns everyone into a selfish-butthole-people person. that might not make any sense, but let me give you an example: you might be in the terminal chilling and waiting for your boarding call and start talking to the dude next to you about how zidane’s head-butt in the world cup was so sweet it had to have been the result of some kid pressing all the right buttons on a playstation 2 controller. you know - simple, mindless conversation. you and the terminal folk are bound by a commonality that is the airplane, and any mishap/triumph related to that plane you share. this is almost grounds for immediate friendship. FAST FORWARD to on the plane, when the same guy clocks you in the head with his midget-sized carry-on and then puts his seat back all the way in your FACE while you’re trying to stabilize that full plastic cup of ginger ale. he’ll dive over the rows when it’s time to deplane, and probably take his shoes off while snoozing, creating the dilemma of what’s more gross, drool or the stench of his feet.

and now, i’m going to come right out and say that airlines should BAN carry-on luggage. yeah that’s right, i said it. there should NOT be such thing as “overhead bins.” if you can’t fit it in your lap, than check that crap. just think how much faster boarding and deplaning would be if you didn’t have fat albert trying to shove his life possessions between some seattle-bound hippie’s guitar case and a perfectly folded sportcoat, which, if touched will initiate a smoldering glare from mr. corporate a few rows back (if he’s not busy reading his copy of “the economist” that he picked up at the newstand to impress the desperate housewife in 23B who’s pissed that she’s flying coach). by my calculations, flight time would plummet, on average, by 30-40min. baggage claim is getting more and more reliable and with all the tracking technology, there is no such thing as a lost bag anymore. so, i say just a small purse, backpack or laptop bag - not any bullshit on rollers. and NO trombones. you think air force one has overhead bins?

but the stress of flying is all worth it for one reason, and one reason only: SKYMALL. this catalog is awesome. you can buy anything from a real, working hovercraft all the way to a vending machine. in fact, i take them off the flight and bring them home. do i buy anything? not yet, but this christmas could be a skymall christmas. i think there’s something about paging through a catalog and dreaming about owning a sensor-mediated wireless nosetrimmer that plays mp3s. and i would LOVE to know if anyone has actually bought something WHILE flying on the plane. talk about the real ultimate sucker.

and now for some bragging just to wrap this up - i’ve never been to the bathroom on an airplane…ever. at first i didn’t really think about it probably because i never had to go, but now there’s a huge streak on the line so i totally prep for it. one time i was on the runway for 4 hours (delayed) and then had a 4 hour flight. i thought i was going to die but i made it. bring on the overseas flights, baby!