blogfaced.com

with all the media frenzy that has been surrounding jessica simpson and dallas cowboys “qb-1″ tony romo, and the speculated impact it has had on the cowboy’s finishing the season on par with seasons 2-4 of the OC, i thought i’d just set the record straight by making this statement: dating a super hot celebrity does not affect your performance. well, at least not athletic performance. in fact, if anything, it may actually raise your game because you’re just so pumped all the time. while i may not be offering anything new by saying this, i’m setting it up to disprove another misnomer: namely that tony romo is the next hotness at quarterback.

to prove my first point, i cite the following athlete-hot celebrity couples:

1) tiger woods + elin nordegren. yes, even golfers can score supermodels. maybe not in high school (check), or even in college (check check), but i think if you win enough major tournaments, they’ll start to pay attention. the point here is that you don’t see tiger letting up at all in his career. they started porking in 2001, which as i recall, is one of the most dominating years in all of golf history…by tiger woods.

2) tony parker + eva longoria. she’s really hot. and he’s french even. argh, this one really hurts, i don’t even like tony parker. but seriously, the spurs have won 3 nba titles since he’s been there. and he donates tickets and stuff to underpriveleged youth.

3) tom brady + [insert incredibly hot supermodel not caring if they’re pregnant]. completely, completely, unaffected. this guy is not human in amount of hot girlfriends he scores, and how often he scores, on and off the field. he’s won superbowls with ‘the replacements’ as a supporting cast and is pretty much the only quarterback besides the cast of friday night lights where if you google image search him, you get more glamour pics than football pics. he’s the derek jeter of football, but upgraded to fix all the douchey bugs.

4) joe dimaggio + marylin monroe. just to throw it back a bit for the older demographic readership. nothing needs to be said about how sweet dimaggio was, nor how hot monroe was (good enough for jfk, baby!).

i could list several more examples, like lance armstrong and cheryl crow. but you get my point: despite having super hot celebrity girlfriends, these guys continue to dominate their sport. by that logic, we must only infer that tony romo really, really sucks, and jessica simpson’s hotness had nothing to do with how crappy he plays. if romo was sweet, dating jessica simpson would not faze him at all. he’s an a-list fraud. i mean, he’s from wisconsin. those guys can’t hang with celebs. especially if you look like the actor that played champ from anchorman:

as such, i predict a romo-simpson breakup in the near future (yes, i know i’m not omnipotent if i successfully predict a celebrity breakup). i mean after reading this, jessica just might realize that propagating romo-DNA just isn’t the best way to go.

for some reason, i’ve been on a global warming “kick” recently, so here’s hopefully the last bit of agenda i need to let out. i mean, thanks to al gore, not only is everyone able to surf the internet, but the world is now taking complete control of its destiny. ever since “an inconvenient keynote presentation” people are refraining from using paper or plastic at the supermarkets, drinking water out of pottery, and trading in their suv’s for skateboards. right. and when i make my millions, i’m going to fly around in a private paper airplane (recycled, of course).

one of the mega indicators that we are supposedly f*cked is the melting of the polar ice caps. glaciers, greenland, antarctica, etc. anywhere there should be snow and ice. where as i’m more concerned about my gin and tonic getting diluted, there are people out there just going NUTS over the melting of a polar ice cap. like R.E.M. nuts. basically implying that our lives will turn into a real life waterworld. we’ve already tolerated one waterworld, and i guess most people think we can’t stomach the reality spinoff.

but the truth is that once the caps melt, the coasts have readjusted, we’ll all go back to normal, just with slightly less real estate. so, maybe to avoid decades of complaining, worrying, and paranoia, we might as well just melt them ourselves quickly with a special laser satellite or giant hair dryer. i mean, once they’re all melted, the ocean level can’t get any higher, so we’d never have to worry about it anymore. we could issue a 5yr warning so all coastal residents would have a chance to move inside the new, future coastline and scramble from their islands.

imagine how many people this would shut up, and how many protesting hippies/lobbyists would actually have to get jobs because they’d have nothing to complain about. they might even start wearing deodorant. we could focus energies on much more useful agendas. yes, it might get a little warmer, but people are flipping out over a 1 degree increase in 100 years. come on. suck it up and put on a tank top. we’ll be ok. besides, while the average global temp might have gone up a few degrees over the last century, the average temp inside a building has probably gone down by like 10 degrees over the same span. cheers to AC.

and yes, i know that like 90% of the world’s fresh water is in the ice in antarctica. but it seems to me that we’re doing pretty well with the other 10%. last time i checked, i didn’t have to run a hose to the south pole to operate my slip ‘n’ slide. plus, technology already allows us to desalinate ocean water for drinking. but, if we controllably melt antarctica, etc., we might be able to also control what happens to the melted ice (ie. freshwater) - instead of watching it slowly drip away.

so let’s all just chillax and come up with some new summer cocktail recipes.

roosevelt. martin luther king jr. manela. dalai lama. mother teresa. jimmy carter. AL GORE. which one of those does not belong? (hint: all the names but one are in lowercase).

i can’t believe the nobel commitee awarded the peace prize to al gore…and it’s obvious they can’t believe it either, because they felt so guilty they also acknowledged the UN just so people like me wouldn’t flip out too much. maybe they just felt bad for him after the 2000 election.

but i think the real issue here is not so much that al gore won, but why bringing climate change awareness and global warming crap to the forefront of political issues warrants a peace prize. i mean prizes in the past have been awarded for actually DOING GOOD to the world: negotiating ends of wars, peace treaties, advocating issues that actually changed society for the better, devotion to bettering the world, etc. the effects and consequences of these efforts were realized and could be praised/observed by all.

so global warming awareness? al gore is advocating something that has yet to prove its worth, and probably will never end up doing so because some meteor in 50 years will end up wasting all of us AND our hybrid cars. even the hippies and their bicycles made from recycled aluminum foil will go down. yep, good work al. now, if he got the world’s scientists to unite together to solve the problem of when the next meteor will hit the earth, and they fixed it (armageddon style)? that, my hippie friend, is worthy of a prize.

global warming is not new. and there are some folk even still arguing about whether or not it exists, so Big Al couldn’t have done THAT good of a job. research is developing alternative energies because of depletion of natural resources, not to reduce emissions. so i don’t see how al gore’s movie is going to save the world. and if i wanted to be a true liberal, i could say that al gore is only bringing global warming awareness to the portion of society that is wealthy enough to afford to go to movies. now THAT is not in the best interest of the world. what about all those random tribes in africa discharging aerosols? they may never know…

i just got this awesome “widget” (small program for the mac that does not assist in picking up girls) for my desktop called “google fight.” essentially, besides bringing my maturity level down a few notches and wasting my time, this widget is quite useful when used correctly. basically, you enter two search terms in two separate queries and for each term, google returns a bar graph representation of how many pages or hits that search would return if you were to actually google it. you could easily just independently google the terms, yes, but this is much more dramatic. especially since the bars “grow” as the search engine combs the net, adding the much-needed suspense element to my life.

of course, i am now using “google fight” to come up with useless knowledge that i can drop on ANYONE at ANYTIME, as well as answer those tough questions from my loyal readers…

ROUND 1

finally, the longstanding debate can be substantiated!

however, i’m more of a christina aguilera fan. some small manipulation gives:

ROUND 2

on to more important, serious matters. allow me to dazzle you with my political and worldly prowess, as i hear globalization is the new hottness:

that’s funny - the u.s. was winning a week ago last time i checked. more troops must be deployed!

ROUND 3

go science…actually i’m suprised there’s even this much on intelligent design. just goes to show you how much CRAP there is out there on the net (sans this site, of course).

ROUND 4

*sigh* now, i can rest in peace.

i figure i need to post this quickly before it becomes old news. this is tough for me, actually keeping up on current events, but i’m having trouble getting over how ridiculous the tour de france is getting…got, whatever.

i barely followed the tour de france when lance armstrong was riding, and he was actually exciting to watch. when he left, there would maybe be a REMOTE possibility that i was going to click the cycling link on espn.com - mostly to see who of the next top riders might win now that lance is gone. but then THEY got busted for doping. c’mon! NOW, we’re forced to watch essentially amateur hour on wheels. i’d rather watch curling or or the NASA channel.

so, if we want to restore cycling to it’s competitive nature and watch the fans return in forgiveness, there’s only one thing left to do - MAKE DOPING MANDATORY. i’m not talking about just legalizing it for use so it becomes a choice of the athlete - you’ll still get those boring guys with morals that will refuse to dope and then whine about how they are true athletes and at least their you-know-what is the same size - well we don’t need them.

i’m talking about drug tests before races to MAKE SURE that the cylclist has done everything in his power to crush the competition. that he has AT LEAST a red blood cell count of a brontasaurus, and that his testosterone:epitestosterone ratio is about 100x that of the combined audience at a taping of “the man show” or ivan drago from rocky IV.

why throw out all this good science and research that went into making someone superhuman? i mean, if we put things in perspective here, if you were drinking gatorade in the 50’s that was doping. “well i would have won the race, but i choose not to use any electrolyte-replacing-enchancing liquids, like my competitors.” well get the net. EVERYBODY’s doing it now. and my guess is that 30 years from now, there’s going to be cereals like “EP-O’s” or steroids in powerade.

SO - imagine the outcome - the best cyclist will win, just like before, but they’ll be averaging about 50mph over the entire 2,000 mile race. the race may actually last 1.5 weeks instead of 3 weeks. the sprints to the finish line will start 30 miles back instead of 30yds. there will be guaranteed roid…er, road rage.

now THAT’s worth watching.

i’m so pumped up about this thinking about its application to ALL sports, i’ve decided to compose a poem:

800ft homeruns, two minute miles,
90yd field goals just makes me smile.
let’s liven up sports, they’re getting quite dull,
i mean there’s poker on tv doesn’t that say anything about how real sports are maintaining the people’s interest?

considering my rantings and musings about various establishments/people such as wal-mart, the media, pizza delivery dudes, that one annoying guy, hippies, jamba juice, etc. (how’d you like that for plugging myself), you’re probably expecting me to mention the post office by now.

ALAS! i will today…but, for a limited time only, i’m going to try to talk POSITIVE about the 21st century’s pony express…

mostly because i feel post offices get a bad rep (the whole “that job is so miserable people get depressed and shoot everyone” joke doesn’t help…along with the phrase “to go postal”) , so when i got back from the post office not too long ago i decided i needed to put some good karma out there for our government employees. why? because my most recent post office experience was the most painLESS experience (related to mail) EVER. i just had to mail a large envelope…no forms, no lines, nothing. i was in and out in about 2 minutes. when the post office lady said “thank you, have a nice day” i couldn’t move. it’s like going into the doctor for a tetanus shot and you’re bracing yourself for this incredible pain and then they’re like “ok, it’s done” and you’re like ‘what? that’s it?’ like you’re disappointed they didn’t justify your pre-injection whining. so there i am, at the post office, my work done. but i was just waiting there - dumbfounded out of ease and efficiency of my transaction - for one of the disgruntled employees just getting off his coffee break to punch me in the stomach and then tell me to go to the end of the line. you know the end. right by all those two-dimensional priority mail boxes that you have to pay for, and fold yourself, only to have the mailman punt it around “backstage” with his buddies ace ventura-style. then the recipient of the package rips it open and throws it in the trash. SCREW THAT.

nonetheless i was able to leave in triumphant disbelief and feel i must share this because the consumer oriented post office is about to go the way of zubaz pants and crystal clear pepsi (wow, there’s so much great material there i may have to devote entire posts to those topics alone). i mean, for one, i can’t remember the last time i bought stamps. it was probably the last time i wrote a check… which was probably for the stamps. i’m pretty sure it was 1990 when i was mailing away for a free foam boomerang with 10 proofs of purchases from cheerios. those were great, actually. cereals used to have some cool stuff inside. now it’s all crap, like justin timberlake stickers for your notebooks or cd-roms with health propaganda on them. i remember having a specific “bin,” which, as soon as i forced my mom to purchase a cereal, i would just dump the entire box in this bin so i could easily fish out the latest toy. this would happen with multiple cereals and of course i wouldn’t eat them once they were all mixed up. like the last thing i want is to eat a lucky charm red balloon marshmallow with a raisin on it. gross.

ANYWAY - i feel sorry for post office. it’s one of uncle sam’s oldest children. treading water because it can’t pass math class or make friends on the playground, and consistently gets called to the principal’s office for firearm possession. meanwhile its brother, the military, is dominating the world and getting all the budget/media attention. the internet destroyed its era, and once the baby boomers are gone, who will be left to patronize it? why do you think stamps only have old school people like elvis and “i love lucy” on them? because these people are recognized by those using the stamps. you’ll never see jay leno or mc hammer on a circulating stamp. well maybe the hammer, but i’m sure he’d demand 10% of the stamp sales to help get out of bankruptcy (oh!).

but now, people use the post office less because the stamps are annoying and keep going up (if the post office REALLY wanted to boost their presence with the younger generation, they should lace the sticky stamp side with whiskey or ecstasy and revamp their ad campaign: “STAMPS: lick it, mail it or hit it” or something) - so people start sending emails with attachments. so the post office raises the price of stamps to keep its balance sheet afloat. a vicious cycle. i vividly remember the day my dad discovered he could save 37 cents by scanning in newspaper clippings and emailing them instead of snail-mailing them. now i can practically tell you who got the speeding ticket yesterday near the taco bell in my hometown. and his coinpurse has never been more full.

[raise glasses] to the post office!

i’ve just decided that when (if) i become famous/reach celebrity status, and someone requests my autograph, i’m going to PRINT it. sure, i understand the efficiency of the scribbled, cursive autograph, but a printed autograph would be hilarious, especially in the arena of sports memorabilia resale. like a parent trying to verify the authenticity of two paint-by-numbered dog pictures on their refrigerator at home.

“yeah, sure that’s jordan’s autograph. it looks like an 8yr old did that…is that crayon?”

until that comes, i’m calling on all celebrities, and more so athletes to stray away from their penmanship roots and grab hold of the printed art. i want to see barry bonds with a toys-r-us “r” or annika sorenstam with a heart-shaped dot for the “i.” or tom cruise start spelling his name wrong, only to cross it out and rewrite it.

now that’s gotta be worth something.

yeah, yeah, i know it’s “been awhile since i last rapped at ya,” not like that should be an excuse, so maybe i just wanted that last post on hippies to marinate for awhile. i’ve been getting everything from death threats to thank you cards for my multiple week hiatus. i’ll get back to some commentary soon, but in the meantime there are some things i need to deal with:

MODERATING COMMENTS

now most of the comments i get you all do not get to see because they are mostly from “generic first name” at gmail.com or something. they’re usually quite polite, you know saying that “they like my site” or “best site!” followed by about 50 url links to various “enhancing” medications. now i’ll take this as a sign that i’ve hit it bigtime or someone really is annoyed with me (perhaps a hippie or city worker). however, some comments are actually real, and some, a bit TOO real…

yes - my dad has discovered this site and resorted to talking trash via the open forum provided by the comment section. thanks, dad - i feel like the wizard of oz after toto blows his cover by unveiling the curtain at the end. “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” all of a sudden my omnipotence and ominousness (?) has been stripped. you know, like the tough kid in elementary school who steals lunch money and pile drives people into lockers that everyone’s afraid of until they see his mom grab him by the ear after school and chew him out to the point of tears. suddenly, he’s not so tough.

well, i know i probably don’t scare everyone (or anyone, for that matter), but hopefully i can recover from this. maybe my dad needs a livejournal.

30 SECONDS I WOULD HAVE RATHER SPENT GETTING ALL 6 HAIRS ON MY CHEST WAXED

seriously, over the past two weeks my precious time has been taken away by listening to conversations like this outside borders:

dude: thanks [i just held the door open for him and his lady]
lady: yeah, so i just can’t decide between the lexus l series blah blah (i forget the exact model). but sharon just got a new range rover and she really likes it, so there’s that…
dude: yeah, that sounds good [punches himself]
[we have parted ways at this point]

so, while these people are the centerpieces of an earlier post of mine, i really thought i was in some movie for a second. who actually talks like that? i guess people in palo alto - but hey, i’ve got a car for you - how about a LADA? plenty of room for your fur coat and vera wang (whatever THAT is, but i heard it once on the OC - it sounded expensive).

MOST RIDICULOUS FAUCET DESIGN EVER

i happen to arrive at this bar in SF the other night which could give any dive bar any of you have ever been to a run for its money. the lure of the shuffleboard table is what i think drew us there, and the smell is what drew us out. in any event, they had these bathrooms (more like closets), which had one of those sinks that had separate faucets for the hot and cold water.

ok.

i really don’t get how this is supposed to be practical in regulating temperature. you have to put your hands under the hot water until you get 2nd degree burns, then cool them off with the cold water until they’re numb, repeat? and somehow during this traumatic and stressful handwashing you have to use soap? if goldilocks saw this shit she’d FLIP.

now, i know these faucets exist, but i have only seen them in the context of really fancy/upscale establishments where elegance trumps practicality. this is understandable. but, by no means was this bar quintessential in high class. you’re more likely to get served a punch in the face than a martini and i think people were looking at my collared shirt funny like i went all “silver spoons” on them. my plea for them is to drop the act and get a real sink before SOMEONE GETS HURT.

i can’t believe it took me this long to remember how much i despise hippies/protesters. president bush was at stanford today, meeting with a think tank at the hoover institution, which was barracaded off to the public from about noon to like 8pm.

yeah, that’s right - i went to see what was going on and took my hardhitting journalism skillz with me - just to see how many lunatics spent their entire week making posters out of paper plates. considering the secrecy of the event, i’m impressed with how quickly some of stanford’s elite were able to come up with poster slogans and construct them. definitely took some time out of playing HALO, so i commend their pre-school elmer’s glue crunchtime prowess. however, i think whether you’re a disconnected protestor at stanford or stanford state you’re cut from the same tie-dyed cloth of cloud 9ness. most of the posters don’t make any sense, which is not surprising considering the ponytailed green-canvas-wearing, button-clad hippie was probably stoned when he made it (yeah, i said it).

what was interesting is how many people had no idea what was going on or where the president was. the mere fact that people probably hung out there for 8 hours on a weekday, waiting to shout a few words (which i’m sure he’s never heard before) at nothing pretty much justifies the uselessness of a modern-day protester. it was exactly like being at a phish concert after the main act and waiting for the encore: people randomly “cheering” while everyone from forrest rangers to rent-a-cops to secret service did their song and dance around the barracades. every once and awhile someone would get the impression that bush was coming, and cheering would erupt - but it turned out to be a roadie with some amps and a few untuned guitars.

so, i figured i could have done the cliche buffalo springfield or CCR protest/war montage, but that pumps hippies up too much and they’ll flip out and start running around naked and blasting john lennon from their vans. as such, i used a more modern audio track. check it out:

WE NEED A MONTAGE

so hey, man. join the revolution. yeah. maybe i should respect the fact that protesters just like to shout, even if it’s gibberish. a perfect example was when they undermined their most original, organized chant, “bush go home!” with the more emotional “show your face!” after several hours of his absence. well, do you want him to stay or go?

and crap, i really wanted that firetruck to keep moving when a couple martyr-hippies refused to get out of the way. maybe the truck was trying to run them over but was repelled by the hippie’s lack of deodorant.

for me, it was a wasted hour of speculation and entertainment at others’ expense. but it could have been worse - i could have looked like this guy:

well, that marks about the first victory for the french since…well…yeah. go the french!

pardon my tonight show-esque one-liner, but i just couldn’t resist. and don’t think i am bias against the french. my father is french…kind of.