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now i know there have been some rumors about the possibility of cellphones causing brain tumors. i have been using a cellphone since about 2003 and i can assure all three of you that there is no harm in using cellphones. to prove this i just did the multiplication tables (1 through 9) and recalled all of the 87 states in alphabetical order. and you see, my sentiments are also being echoed by the FDA.

recently, the FDA (the same people that recommend all sorts of stuff nobody listens to) questioned a study by the “swedish national institute for working life” correlating cellphone usage to brain cancer. this makes me feel a bit more confident in the competency of the FDA, and really doesn’t change that much any of my presumptions of the swiss. apparently, the swiss (swiss, swedish - whatever) study used “questionnaires” sent to thousands of participants to decide that cellphone usage over time increased the risk of brain cancer. i can just imagine how accurate this study would have to be:

that being said, even if cellphones caused brain cancer, that can’t be that bad, can it? i mean, talking on a cellphone shouldn’t be allowed to make you smarter or cooler - especially if you’re on a crowded subway or bus and that one guy next to you blabbing loudly on his cellphone won’t shut up about “having the numbers on his desk tomorrow morning” and “the smith proposal.” i mean i’d much rather see THAT GUY collapse from some brain malfunction than the guy whose just quietly minding his own business, kicking ass at sudoku.

ps-just so we get one thing straight, my NCAA bracket that was picked via coinflips picked 50% of the final four teams and 50% of the final two teams. now, i’m an expert

dear duke university lacrosse team,

thank you. no wait, hear me out. my hatred for DUKE goes way back to the early nineties when the “coach k” era began, and therefore is deeply rooted in NCAA basketball, and how you guys think you’re so sweet; which by extension seems to be embodied by the entire school - and therefore i have grown to roll my eyes in disgust at what duke represents.

you’re such the perfect school. your academics are solid, your foundation, pure. your basketball teams are indeed always elite, and your athletes always praised as being “model” collegians, with good grades, good morals, and set good examples. they always make the right decisions, sign autographs for little clueless kids, and “go pro in something other than sports” if they aren’t good enough to make the big leagues.

well what’s up now, MORONS. your team’s forcible rape charges will provide endless material for analogies and metaphors revolving around being inappropriate and demeaning to women. you have single-handedly managed to give the school more negative publicity than michael jackson at a chuck e cheese, all while reinforcing the stereotype that players on alpha-male sports teams think they are invincible because of whatever flintstone vitamins they popped that day.

but that being said, it’s nice to see that duke is normal just like any other university. scandals, NCAA infractions, athletes facing jailtime, bad publicity. although what happened is still sad, i am sitting back enjoying the fireworks. like when you always get busted by mom and dad for your older brother throwing food or starting fights - but then they walk in on him smoking pot and even though he looks like he’s in a lot of trouble, you’re smiling on the inside.

duke lacrosse - you LOSERS. you’re hurting the reputation of duke’s chess team, and solidifying the stereotypes of testosterone-driven sports teams - mainly that they are big meanies.

sincerely,
andrew

leave it to the new york times - i was notified of an article which summarized the conclusions of a recent study - “the most scientifically rigorous investigation of whether prayer can heal illness.” oh yeah, it gets better.

not only did the 2 bypass surgery groups (one receiving prayers, the other not) experience similar rates of post-op complications (the measure of whether or not prayer was effective), but within the group of patients receiving prayer, those whom were told they were being prayed for experienced increased rates of complications - this was shown by some sweet bar graphs in the actual paper. the reasoning? “perhaps from expectations the prayers created.” moral of the story: don’t pray for me you’re stressing me out.

i feel sorry for the group that didn’t get prayed for at all - i don’t know how they decided which patients were to get prayers. maybe that was the “scientifically rigorous” part of the study - “by systematically varying the height and rotation of a common two-sided monetary unit, we were able to conclusively arrive at an unbias way for dividing up patients into the two groups”

and of course there are NO variables in a prayer study. the research didn’t even set up the proper control experiments - like what about having groups where people prayed that the patients DID get complications, or groups where people tried to undo the prayers. or pray for george mason to win the ncaa tournament in addition to praying to relieve complications of some random patient.

and what about the people who prayed? supposedly they were members from local parishes who didn’t even know the patients. what if family members were praying for the patients who were supposed to be in the non-praying group?

what if the people praying for the patients prayed wrong? like they messed up a name?

conclusions? “the role of awareness of prayer should be studied further.” well shit. translation: after countless discussions with pretty much NOT GOD, we have no idea what the crap is going on with this whole “prayer thing.” at least whenever someone starts complaining to me about their money going into basic science research, i can cite this bullshit. and for future reference, i don’t think using science to prove god exists really works - i mean, that’s like proving intelligent design with natural selection. finally, the researchers didn’t even put GOD down as the primary author. the bible belt is going to have something to say about that.

i just read an article about how oregon’s correctional system has introduced video games to inmates, in hopes of teaching them to chill the f out while they “prepare for life outside jail.”

am i the only one that sees the irony with this? can you imagine some kid going on a crazy shooting spree at his school, blaming it on playing too much grand theft auto 3, going to jail, only to be exposed to more grand theft auto 3 in preparation for his release? AWESOME.

ok, that may be a bit of an extreme case. supposedly the games offered are from the 1980’s - ie. the really really good games that are few and far between these days - unless you’re in jail. no wonder crime is so high. oregon claims they have the least violent jails - well yeah, that’s because nobody there is a true criminal. they probably only robbed a taco bell or something just for the video games and the comraderie. now they’re living it up, having tecmo bowl tournaments with cell block E. something is not right here.

and of course they best part is how parents blame video games for the deterioration of society, and now oregon is throwing this conventional wisdom back in their faces. below, based on my experiences growing up with video games, i’ve illustrated an interesting, and disturbing trend:

i guess it makes somewhat sense - if you’re in jail, and you’re about to leave the big house and enter the real world, you really need to know how to take down some 8yr olds at street fighter 2 in the local arcade - i mean, if you want to fit in socially, and not look like you’d been in jail for a decade.

next thing you know, they’ll get internet - and i’d hate to play against a jailed serial killer over the internet in a first person shooter game. that would just SUCK.

ok i’ve had just about enough of the ncaa basketball crap. foolish of me to expect a big ten team to score over 50pts in a game. as such, i’m reproducing my actual shitty bracket below (left), and the coin flip one (right) for comparison so i can turn my attention to more important things…

like PIRATES. i read that the us navy has apprehended some “somali pirates” - ironically, off the coast of somalia. this is very fascinating to me, since it seems that the art of being a pirate was lost with the turn of the 19th century or so. apparently these pirates were firing on us navy ships. while there are “conflicting reports” of how the “gunbattle” began, i’m hoping it was over some “booty” or a treasure map. this resurgence of pirate lifestyle leads me to make the following statement: WE NEED MORE PIRATES. we need more pirate movies, we need more pirate stories, we need pirate reality tv shows, pirate cereals. pirate themed parties, bars, everything.

now, there has been a slight pirate revival over the past few decades to ensure their longevity and solidify their enigmatic lifestyle (minus “the swiss family robinson” - those pirates were pansies.) we have the ride at disneyworld (awesome), the pirate themed legos (arguably the best subcategory of legos, or any toy for that matter), more recently johnny depp/in pirates of the carribean. and of course we have captain morgan rum, and i’m pretty sure cap’n crunch was a pirate at some point. this is NOT enough.

i want more. when i saw “pirates of the carribean” i wanted that movie to last like 6 hours, and i really don’t know why, but i am willing to make a few conjectures:

1. pirates drinking and partying
2. really bad tavern lighting
3. deserted islands
4. STEALING SHIPS - this has to be the most hardcore thing about a pirate. stealing something so HUGE and so SLOW, that wherever you go with it, there is NO WAY to cover up the fact that it was STOLEN. but like pirates care.

so, if you do not agree with me, ask yourself this:

when was the last time you rooted against a pirate?
when was the last time you saw a pirate get his ass kicked?
when was the last time you saw a pirate get tricked?
when was the last time you did not cheer when you saw someone dressed up like a pirate?

the pirate embodies all that is immoral - raping, pillaging, plundering - yet we still cheer them on. additionally, the pirate embodies so many random concepts and physical attributes that make absolutely no sense that it comes off as pure concocted fantasy - so we cannot take their bad deeds seriously. peg legs, gold, talking parrots, eyepatches, “arrrr.” why should any of these ridiculous items be associated with someone that sails around in a ship and steals stuff? is a pirate more likely to lose an eyeball than a blacksmith? is there a communicative advantage on the high seas to the phrase “arrrr!!”? i don’t know, but i don’t care.

but what’s too bad is that real life examples of pirates are rare. so when i read a story like this it makes me smile and wonder if there really are small islands full of pirates - lost in time, drinking and enjoying themselves, looking for treasure, watching sportscenter. if so, i’d like to take a year off and hang.

in lieu of the recent controversy surrounding baseball player Barry Bonds, i thought it appropriate to post a special “awareness article” about steroid use in elementary schools…

*******
River Hills, WI - It seems as though the effects of doping in Major League Baseball, highlighted by such sluggers as Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, and Barry Bonds, have trickled down into foundations of learning: elementary schools.

Just yesterday, a report of recess violence at Woodview Elementary near the jungle gym (adjacent to the north entrance) which left five 2nd graders aching in pain from what was described as “the worst mass charlie horsing ever,” initiated an investigation into this unexpected outburst of anger. (more…)

the day: yesterday - for the first time ever in the history of me, i actually watched the academy awards in its entirety; and of course i realized why last night was the first time.

amidst jon stewart’s awkward attempted dialogue with a stiff celeb crowd and selma hyek’s breasts, i saw a most appropriate commercial for a prescription sleeping aid, “lunesta.” wooed by their catchphrase, “this great night’s sleep is brought to you by lunesta” i checked out their website like a loser. anyway, per the commercial/website, “side effects may include unpleasant taste, headache, DROWSINESS, dizziness.” not only does it sound like someone prescribed 500mg of my mom’s meatloaf, but DROWSINESS? - well no shit.

in other news, i slept just fine last night, and THAT great night’s sleep was brought to you by five taquitos and several glasses of wine. side effects may include spouting off sarcastic comments at the television, and eating more taquitos.

just when i thought my day couldn’t get any worse, i got an email from my friend “sdcjlcdmvz,” and all of a sudden things started looking up. the “Z-man” - as we used to call him back in college - had sent along some inside stock tip info which is about to make me lots of cash. he was quite excited about PIFR (premier information management) which is expected to gain over 300% short term. he’s really a nice guy and has a lot of connections to the world of trading. i’ve gotten to be good friends with “mlvpdue” and his broker “g8dleqp” whom have also showered me with wealth tips and recently offered to enhance some of my physical attributes. i’m having trouble thanking them via email; i don’t know if they are going through or not, but no response yet. however, i’m sure they’re quite busy.

i guess before i kick off the first of probably a few more installments of “weekend in review,” i need to mention my disdain for a particular phrase which we all hear everyday, but after the 13,254th time one of us has got to say something: “it’s amazing how quickly it adds up” among other variants such as “it all adds up,” etc.

commonly heard in checkout lines or reviewing bills of some sort, i beg to ask - what does that even mean? “how quickly it adds up.”

1) no shit it adds up. do the math, genius. that’s how the world works. it’s not like you can offset a box of cap’n crunch with a gallon of milk at the grocery store, and thereby, with a little strategy, end up paying $0, or, better yet, having the store pay you.

2) since when is there a time domain to adding things? this makes the least amount of sense. “it’s amazing how fast the cash register lady is scanning your items, and the rapidness of the calculator should really give you cause for concern.” it adds up. to a number. it doesn’t matter how fast, it matters how much. so really, if you have some sloth reading your bill or someone not good at math checking out your items, it really doesn’t add up that fast…so i wouldn’t worry about it yet.

that being said, here’s what’s in store for this installment, ie. why this weekend was, well awesome (the posts are broken up to retain reader interest):

(I) THE OLYMPICS
(II) NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND
(III) DRUNK TREE

(I) THE OLYMPICS - the world’s newest reality tv show. it must have sucked back in the 1900’s when you had to settle for waiting a day or two before finding out who won a particular event. when there were no sweet designer steroids, no awesome photography/video special effects, no sappy-ass montages of triumph, and no watchful eye of the media, looking to dig up any dirt for a story.

welcome to the 21st century, baby! nothing has changed except everything that happens we know about. and a lot happens. and it’s great.

the LEON LETT PREMATURE HIGH-STEPPING AWARD goes to u.s. snowboarder LINDSEY JACOBELLIS. did you see this? she had a commanding lead in “the cross course,” essentially snowboarding’s equivalent to a downhill ski run with a motocross mentality (ie. all the racers compete simultaneously, and there are sweet jumps). then, on the last jump before the finishline (and a gold medal), she showboats in mid-air (grabs her board - somehow this is difficult to to do?) and totally wipes out. amazingly, she was still able to get the silver medal.

i swear i would have done the same thing, but probably with a slightly cooler looking jump. and you can bet if this was an NBA league equivalent event, she would have landed the trick-jump and taken the gold. but for some unfortunate reason, the karma of the olympics is pure and looks favorable upon hard workers and good sportsmanship…LAME.

NBC’s website devoted to olympic coverage has a photo slideshow of all the figure skating WIPEOUTS from the weekend which occurred in the ice dancing competition. awesome. thanks to ESPN and that, i feel i don’t need to watch anymore. i swear the winter olympics are like nascar. you have them on in the background and don’t really care that much, but you’re just waiting for someone to crash so the announcer can chime in “ooh, that’s going to cost her” or “you hate to see that, bob.” p.s. - some of those women ice dancers…HOTT.

a skiing event supposedly to happen on sunday was postponed because IT WAS SNOWING. heaven forbid people would have to ski in the snow. it’s like expecting to take a shower without getting wet.