blogfaced.com

(II) NBA ALL-STAR WEEKEND - NBA’s most creative way of throwing a party for “all the cool people” in the league by using talent and PPG as a discriminating factor. the EAST won, 122-120 in typical all-star game fashion, which goes like this: watching an all-star game is like watching yourself shoot hoops with your friends outside when everyone has their own basketball. people are getting pegged in the face, basketballs are everywhere, and you’re doing whatever kind of shot you feel like because you know the ball’s coming back to you anyway. hmmm. they should allow an extra basketball into the all-star game just to spice things up a bit.

what else is great about the all-star weekend, besides the fact that it is studded with wasted celebrities and bling, is the DUNK CONTEST. the pure concept have having people compete to see who can be score 2pts in the most ridiculous way is genius. it brings out this playground mentality in the entire arena, and nothing is cooler than seeing an A-list celebrity like Ashton Kutcher humbling himself with his own ARSENIO HALL impression after a monstrous jam. in fact, i am trying to think what the equivalent is in any other sport, and there isn’t one. sure, baseball has the homerun derby, but that’s no different than watching a baseball game - every home run looks the same. now, if they had a home run derby where the partipants called their own shots like “a right angle off the foul post, bounce into row 4 of the left field bleachers and into that bald guy’s big gulp,” then we have a contender. but until now, the only thing that comes remotely close is watching those trick shots in pool.

all in all, i am willing to bet one couldn’t tell the difference between the NBA All-Star game/weekend and a party at the playboy mansion…with basketballs.

(III) DRUNK TREE - the stanford university “mascot,” “the tree” (pardon the OD on quotes), was recently kicked out of the band for being WASTED at a stanford-cal basketball game. while the incident at the game was not the only offense leading up to the decision, it is the one that has garnered the most publicity, with mention on the radio, news stations, and espn.

WHY is this such a big deal? isn’t the point of going to sporting events for the college crowd to get drunk, rowdy, and make a lot of noise? you think there would be such thing as “homecourt advantage” if all the fans were sober? no, there would not.

have you seen the mascot? it’s a tree. it is going up against bears, trojans, sundevils, wildcats, huskies, bruins, etc. i mean all of these mascots’ real life equivalents urinate on stanford’s mascot everyday in the wild. probably even the duck. you’d HAVE to get me wasted in order to get into that costume. how else would you expect someone to have the intensity mascots are supposed to have…especially as a tree?

i’m sure ALL the other mascots at schools even more athletically hardcore than stanford are COMPLETELY sober. just look the other way - the school needs us. i mean, hell, if they let OSU basketball coach eddie sutton coach his team drunk on the sidelines for the past decade, the least they could do is let a mascot, much alone a tree mascot, have some fun.

every other current events magazine (ie. newsweek, TIME, us news, etc.) has at minimum an article on how people are flipping out about oil, the quest for alternative energy, reducing consumption/emissions, and the war in iraq. most of these articles revolve around disagreements: will we run out of oil soon or not, should we drill for oil or focus on hybrid cars, are we in iraq because we think we can make the world a better place, or do we just want their oil, blah blah.

well, while the media blowhards are spewing forth sugarcoated facts and figures and facilitating arguments and inducing widespread paranoia, yours truly has forged a plan for fixing it all:

destroy all the oil in the problematic areas of the middle east. yeah, that’s right. look what happened in 1773 when we destroyed all the brit’s tea? now we’re free, baby! now, if instead of bombing innocent citizens and “terrorists,” we destroy their oil rigs and refineries, then three of the following four people will shut their mouths:

1) LIBERALS - what’s up now? you think we’re in it for the oil? well we just destroyed it all so you better go back to the drawing board and find something else to whine about. i’d recommend dick cheney shooting people in the FACE.

2) TERRORISTS - where’s your money going to come from now, losers? with no oil, there’s no revenue so your corrupt govts. can’t kickback their profits to your militias to help carry out all your jihads. better walk down to the nearest 7-11 and buy yourself a lottery ticket, cuz your funds are about to dry up. unless all your suicide bombers turn into macgyvers pretty damn quick, it looks like you’ll be having some problems without govt.-donated C-4. try making a suicide bomb out of a paperclip and a match - doesn’t work so well, does it? try taking down a US airport with a spork and a supersoaker. we’re sorry, we thought there were WMDs in that oil rig.

which brings me to a random point: do the 7-11s in the middle east have only middle-aged white guys from wisconsin working the counters?

3) ENERGY NERDS/ANALYSTS - oh, no, all the oil is gone! gas is going to skyrocket to $20/gallon, what are we going to do? well one thing can be said - you’ll stop dicking around about what is the best way to proceed for the future because the future is now. nothing says technology evolution like a severe supply shock, baby! so get your asses in gear and make some policy and some sweeter cars. is the hydrogen economy the answer? or hybrid cars? sorry! you’ll have to stop arguing and do something now so i can afford to leave my house.

4) KANYE WEST - wait, maybe we can bomb his house too. “i ain’t sayin’ we be gold diggas. but now we messin’ with some oil riggas” - take that hit to #1. ps: president bush hates you.

*note* read prior post first.

well my dad must be quite in the loop today, as no more than 2hrs went by before the next local clipping (this one a police report…oooh, inside info) appeared in my inbox: “victim confesses taco bell robbery was a hoax”

aww, looks like his conscience or inability to concoct a reasonable story got the best of him. this guy must write those “one minute mystery” books for kids where the case is solved in like 2 pages after some obvious clues of inconsistency.

although the town will probably be talking about this for the next month, i’ll try to refrain from giving it any more publicity here.

coming from a small town, and currently being far away from that small town , my dad routinely sends my sister and i newsclippings via snailmail about what is important to a town of 10,000 while i’m away. recently, he has made the transition to scanning the articles and emailing them. amazing what power the price of a stamp has on motivating my dad to teach himself technology. anyway, the most recent headline: “robber shows knife, gets no cash” tells the story of how the taco bell in my hometown was robbed at gunpoint. let me provide a few excerpts from this article…

“…a man attempted to rob a taco bell restaurant employee at 9:30am”

“the suspect displayed a long-bladed knife and demanded money. the employee did not give any money to the suspect; who then fled on foot…”

1) is taco bell even open at 9:30am? i mean i crave double decker tacos just as much as the next guy, but i’d probably pass on something that will put me in the bathroom before i can think about getting out of bed in the morning
2) what kind of ARMED robber FAILS at getting money? granted the employee had some cohones, perhaps a post-9/11 mentality about taking shit from terrorists or taco bell thiefs, but still…i’d like to see a bit more effort.

this sounds almost too retarded to be true…