well, that marks about the first victory for the french since…well…yeah. go the french!
pardon my tonight show-esque one-liner, but i just couldn’t resist. and don’t think i am bias against the french. my father is french…kind of.
dear duke university lacrosse team,
thank you. no wait, hear me out. my hatred for DUKE goes way back to the early nineties when the “coach k” era began, and therefore is deeply rooted in NCAA basketball, and how you guys think you’re so sweet; which by extension seems to be embodied by the entire school - and therefore i have grown to roll my eyes in disgust at what duke represents.
you’re such the perfect school. your academics are solid, your foundation, pure. your basketball teams are indeed always elite, and your athletes always praised as being “model” collegians, with good grades, good morals, and set good examples. they always make the right decisions, sign autographs for little clueless kids, and “go pro in something other than sports” if they aren’t good enough to make the big leagues.
well what’s up now, MORONS. your team’s forcible rape charges will provide endless material for analogies and metaphors revolving around being inappropriate and demeaning to women. you have single-handedly managed to give the school more negative publicity than michael jackson at a chuck e cheese, all while reinforcing the stereotype that players on alpha-male sports teams think they are invincible because of whatever flintstone vitamins they popped that day.
but that being said, it’s nice to see that duke is normal just like any other university. 
scandals, NCAA infractions, athletes facing jailtime, bad publicity. although what happened is still sad, i am sitting back enjoying the fireworks. like when you always get busted by mom and dad for your older brother throwing food or starting fights - but then they walk in on him smoking pot and even though he looks like he’s in a lot of trouble, you’re smiling on the inside.
duke lacrosse - you LOSERS. you’re hurting the reputation of duke’s chess team, and solidifying the stereotypes of testosterone-driven sports teams - mainly that they are big meanies.
sincerely,
andrew
so i guess i’m talking about two “underappreciated” items in a row, here - but i need the following to set up an award that i forgot to give out from the weekend.
let’s get one thing straight about the BIG GULP - it’s is freaking huge. there is NO reason that someone would require that much soda in a container designed to be consumed at one sitting. as such, i feel people drink BIG GULPS for the experience, the challenge, and shit, it sure is a good way to kill some time (and your bladder).
downing a BIG GULP is like eating a sextuple cheeseburger, smoking a pack of cigarettes at once, pounding a bottle of aspirin, eating a pan of rice krispy treats (check), or watching the movie agent cody banks and its sequel back-to-back, and then shooting yourself.
and the name is awesome: BIG GULP. totally implying that you are indeed required to slam ALL of it by means of a calculated, efficient, and voluminous drinking maneuver - the “gulp.”
as such, i think i find the BIG GULP so fascinating in the same way i find eating contests so entertaining. essentially we are taking a mundane activity required for keeping our bodies functioning from day to day and making it so ridiculous and extreme that we could nearly die…in this case, taking the concept of a casual soft drink to the next level. sure, people carry around water all day to stay hydrated, but not coca-cola. and 7-11 asks “well why the hell not” - and they are so right.
so, everytime i see someone with a big gulp i cheer to myself. clearly, they do not need 64 ounces of root beer, just like that little japanese kid doesn’t need 53.5 hot dogs in 12min. but it’s fun to see them try. and, when you have a BIG GULP in your hands, you’ll have a story to tell, because you’re in for an epic journey.
which now leads me to the award for most-likely-to-share-a-64oz-BIG-
GULP-with-a-notorious-B.I.G.-look-a-like-taxi-driver-while-cabbing-back-
from-san-francisco(.com) - this goes to my boy litch, who did just that.
since this is my blog, and i can talk about whatever i want, i’m going to give out two awards today, which i am calling the DOT COM award. mostly because the names of the awards are long and hyphenated, if that makes any sense (think about it):
1) the zoned-out-rocky-balboa(.com) award
today i was walking up the stairs from the burrito place on campus and i heard some aggressive stair-climbing behavior behind me; whomever this most likely athletic research scientist was ascending the concrete flight of about 25 steps - he was doing the every-other step thing. so right as this guy was going to pass me i decided to take every other step (just to make it awkward) and stay even with him - BUT, he took down the final two steps in one dramatic leap to beat me to the top in a photo finish. DAMN. he carried on as if nothing happened - one more triumph to himself, probably. (which should have been mine.) i’m sure he won’t even think or remember this event from his daily routine, so i thought i’d make all 4 of you aware of it. if you know or are this guy: congratulations, you’re really cool.
2) the hardcore-double-stuffed-oreo-eating(.com) award (awarded daily)
this trophy goes to a guy in my lab whom i saw dunking his OREO cookies in coca-cola this evening. crap, his teeth must be made out of stainless steel. i’m surprised he didn’t proceed to crush the coca-cola-logged OREO into a fine powder and SNORT it. for the illustration below, i’ve chosen to use chuck norris as a representive of hardcoreness. if you wish to contest this matter i refer you to chuck norris.
stay tuned tomorrow for point totals from the “coin flip bracket” (see below, march 15) after round 1.
