blogfaced.com

with all the media frenzy that has been surrounding jessica simpson and dallas cowboys “qb-1″ tony romo, and the speculated impact it has had on the cowboy’s finishing the season on par with seasons 2-4 of the OC, i thought i’d just set the record straight by making this statement: dating a super hot celebrity does not affect your performance. well, at least not athletic performance. in fact, if anything, it may actually raise your game because you’re just so pumped all the time. while i may not be offering anything new by saying this, i’m setting it up to disprove another misnomer: namely that tony romo is the next hotness at quarterback.

to prove my first point, i cite the following athlete-hot celebrity couples:

1) tiger woods + elin nordegren. yes, even golfers can score supermodels. maybe not in high school (check), or even in college (check check), but i think if you win enough major tournaments, they’ll start to pay attention. the point here is that you don’t see tiger letting up at all in his career. they started porking in 2001, which as i recall, is one of the most dominating years in all of golf history…by tiger woods.

2) tony parker + eva longoria. she’s really hot. and he’s french even. argh, this one really hurts, i don’t even like tony parker. but seriously, the spurs have won 3 nba titles since he’s been there. and he donates tickets and stuff to underpriveleged youth.

3) tom brady + [insert incredibly hot supermodel not caring if they’re pregnant]. completely, completely, unaffected. this guy is not human in amount of hot girlfriends he scores, and how often he scores, on and off the field. he’s won superbowls with ‘the replacements’ as a supporting cast and is pretty much the only quarterback besides the cast of friday night lights where if you google image search him, you get more glamour pics than football pics. he’s the derek jeter of football, but upgraded to fix all the douchey bugs.

4) joe dimaggio + marylin monroe. just to throw it back a bit for the older demographic readership. nothing needs to be said about how sweet dimaggio was, nor how hot monroe was (good enough for jfk, baby!).

i could list several more examples, like lance armstrong and cheryl crow. but you get my point: despite having super hot celebrity girlfriends, these guys continue to dominate their sport. by that logic, we must only infer that tony romo really, really sucks, and jessica simpson’s hotness had nothing to do with how crappy he plays. if romo was sweet, dating jessica simpson would not faze him at all. he’s an a-list fraud. i mean, he’s from wisconsin. those guys can’t hang with celebs. especially if you look like the actor that played champ from anchorman:

as such, i predict a romo-simpson breakup in the near future (yes, i know i’m not omnipotent if i successfully predict a celebrity breakup). i mean after reading this, jessica just might realize that propagating romo-DNA just isn’t the best way to go.

i’m a huge fan of those real men of genius budweiser commercials. almost to the point where i turn everyone i see into a commercial, at least in my head. if this blog had any musical talent or capability, all posts would be done in real men of genius format, like today’s:

brackets denote lyrics of backup singer guy (hey that would be a perfect real men of genius parody! mr.-real-men-of-genius-backup-singer-guy!)

bud light presents, real men of genius [real men of genius]

today we salute you, mr. clueless-walk-too-slow-in-front-of-me-on-a- narrow-sidewalk guy. [mr. clueless-walk-too-slow-in-front- of-me-on-a-narrow-sidewalk guy!]

while most people walk down streets with a destination in mind, you prefer to walk with nothing in mind [i think i saw a blue jay!]

you saunter along like you’re navigating the gates at a u2 concert, except there’s nobody in front of you. [yeah bono!]

and please, make that slightly off-balance move to left…if timed right, someone may be able to pass you without going off-road [muddy shoes suck!]

so crack open an ice cold budweiser mr. clueless-walk-too-slow-in-front-of- me-on-a-narrow-sidewalk guy, because why sit down at a coffee shop and stare, when you can do it while in someone’s way.

i’ve just decided that when (if) i become famous/reach celebrity status, and someone requests my autograph, i’m going to PRINT it. sure, i understand the efficiency of the scribbled, cursive autograph, but a printed autograph would be hilarious, especially in the arena of sports memorabilia resale. like a parent trying to verify the authenticity of two paint-by-numbered dog pictures on their refrigerator at home.

“yeah, sure that’s jordan’s autograph. it looks like an 8yr old did that…is that crayon?”

until that comes, i’m calling on all celebrities, and more so athletes to stray away from their penmanship roots and grab hold of the printed art. i want to see barry bonds with a toys-r-us “r” or annika sorenstam with a heart-shaped dot for the “i.” or tom cruise start spelling his name wrong, only to cross it out and rewrite it.

now that’s gotta be worth something.

[note: this post based on the site’s former domain]

so one of the sweet perks of having a web site (besides VIP passes to clubs and an entourage) is being able to scope the stats - you know like how many hits/day, points per game, and most importantly, HOW people are finding your site. i would assume that many of you come here because you know the url or you’re being paid, etc.

BUT, there is a contingent of folks that have NO IDEA what they are getting into upon arriving to my site. and the reason i think this is because i can see the SEARCHPHRASE that one GOOGLES which leads one to sift through the search results and BAM! next thing they know they’re reading about bums, hippies and jamba juice.

as such, i thought i would give a little back to the reader(s) out there by putting out a few of these googled phrases that landed people to this site. this, of course, will be periodically updated as new genius phrases are googled. for thoroughness (and comedic effect), i’ve put the ranking of my site among the search results with the given phrase:

MOST GOOGLED TEEN SITCOM WASHUP

-”ac slater job interview” - um, i doubt he’s had one in awhile. thanks for the traffic, though. [7th hit, page 1]

not to be confused with another: “ac slater diary” - although if he had one, i’m sure it would go something like this: “today i spent 2 hours shaping my sweet mullet, then went to school and called zach morris “preppy” to which he turned into the camera all awkwardly and said “time-out” we’re all supposed to freeze when he does this, but it’s really difficult to do, even for the AC. just when things couldn’t get any worse, a fly landed on my nose and caused me to sneeze. i messed up the whole scene”

SOME HONORABLE MENTION…

-”i saw someone who stealing goods” - well, well, i guess we were trying to find the number for 911? or maybe hooked on phonics? [19th hit, 2nd page]

-”are there any johnny depp look alike contests anywhere?” - wow, someone has found their calling - now if only they could find a look alike contest. sorry, not here - looks like he’ll be waiting until october [2nd hit, page 1]

SOME HOW-TO

-”making a multiplication table from a paper plate” - woah, this one sidetracked me since i was really curious why a paper plate would be useful for making a multiplication table. it turns out, the plate is just a medium for practicing mulitplication, according to this site. i think my mom would flip if she saw me using paper plates for this bullshit. maybe we should teach geometry BEFORE multiplication so kids learn how to draw circles on looseleaf paper - this would serve the same purpose.

YOUR #1 SITE FOR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BULLYING/RECESS TACTICS

-”charlie horsing” - ok. this one has caused me to reflect on just how different elementary school is NOW versus when there was no internet. i mean, instead of bullies learning how to do charliehorsing out on the streets/playgrounds, they just google it?! c’mon. i’m sure there are blogs on “how to avoid swirlies” and “the art of stealing lunch money.” the purity of the elementary school experience is at risk, people. kids nowadays aren’t public schooled or homeschooled. they are google-schooled. [#2, page 1]

-”elementary recess ethics” - yeah, i always forget (um, forgot) how to act outside during recess. am i allowed to run around and chase girls? or do the girls chase me? what do i do when someone says i have cooties? how many players are allowed to play kickball? is it wrong to help the smelly kid on the jungle gym just to impress a girl? [#2, page 1]

AND CUTTING EDGE RESEARCH…

-”bubble tea brain malfunction” - this one is great because my site is the NUMBER ONE hit returned. haha, whomever was looking for information on the dangers of bubble tea must have thought i really knew what i was talking about…i mean, if it’s number 1 it must have ALL the dirt on how slamming bubble tea gives you cancer. and i thought cellphones were bad. hope you found what you were looking for, erin brockovich. [NUMBER ONE HIT BABY!!]

well i’m declaring myself desperate for material today, so what the hell, why not bring back one of those excellent text message jokes suckers can get sent to their cellphone for $0.99/day. maybe i will accept donations if i keep these kinds of posts going, but every once and awhile it’s good to see if this crackhead joke-texting company (and by company i mean 13yr old british kid…probably) has lost their comedic touch…

and just so you believe me that i am actually receiving this crap on my phone instead of googling really bad jokes just to save a shekel, i included a screen shot (yes i know my battery is low). this is the real deal, people…

what is grey and not there.
no elephants.

well crap. not only did they opt for the command form of the question (aka. NO QUESTION MARK) but it is quite unclear to me as to whether or not the person being told the joke is supposed to answer incorrectly so that the punchline becomes “no, you dumbass - elephants. duh” however, after talking it through with the kid from jerry mcguire, it has become clear to me that elephants are indeed grey, so simply “elephants” cannot be the “answer.”

NOW, let us consider the literal punchline: “no elephants”

ok, so i get that if there are no elephants around (specifically “there”), they can still be grey. but so can a lot of stuff - cooked hamburger meat is kind of grey. so are steel reinforcement beams and some 4-door sedans. but maybe all these items were “there” at the time of the joke. but what if you were telling this joke in the african savannah? would the answer be an apple powerbook?

bottom line: this joke is not well thought out, but it does give rise to a new annoying joke template. the research to arrive at this new template is probably why we are being charged $0.99. see, now i can be funny to impress my friends:

what is yellow and not there. no canaries.
what is pink, purple, weird and not there. no dennis rodman.
what is brown and always there. chuck norris’s beard.

and so on.

i think my money would have been better spent on getting HALF of a pizza delivered from DOMINOS.

i know lately it seems as though i’ve just been picking on organizations and berrating them, but sometimes it’s just too easy. here i was just trying to sit down, relax a bit, maybe watch an episode or two of LOST and get a pizza for myself, macaulay culkin-style in home alone. ERROR.

DOMINO’S: um, domino’s pizza how can i help you. [yes, no question mark]
ME: yeah, i’d like a delivery
DOMINO’S: a doy, what’s your name
ME: arnold
D[takes 1min to type into computer]: ok, a doy, are you on spring street?
ME: no, that’s probably a DIFFERENT arnold. would you like my phone
number?
D: no, a doyie doy, that might be too much.
ME: [WTF?] um, ok.
D: is there anything else you’d like?
ME: besides this conversation to make sense and be productive towards
getting me a pizza? NO, NOT REALLY.
D: oh, you want a delivery?
ME: yes.
D: oh, i thought you already ordered.
me: yes, of course - i’m just calling domino’s, alone, late at night because i like
it when they talk retarded to me for $0.99/min.

[order finally happens]

D: that will be $11.90
ME: easy, there. what’s the tax?
D: 91 cents, a doy, and a delivery charge of $2.00
ME: a delivery charge?
D: yes, i’m sorry sir. that will be 35-40min.

a delivery charge? i don’t recall ever paying a delivery charge. you’re DOMINOS. it’s not like you didn’t know what you were getting into when you decided you wanted to DELIVER PIZZAS for a business model. next thing you’re going to tell me mcdonald’s is charging $1.00 for refills on sprite, and i have to pay to get into a women’s volleyball game.

well, at least the pizza wasn’t bad.

it occurred to me through my own personal conscience and comments of those around me that maybe i was being a bit too harsh on the “city worker” stereotype and exploiting the fine, hardworking employees of the campus. as such, to make up for it, i have created a small tribute to them. it’s the least i could do, and i’m thinking this won’t be the last time we cross paths with our landscaping friends (quicktime format)…

WORKER TRIBUTE/I’M SORRY

during my summers while in highschool i worked for city, or to be more specific, the shit plant, in my hometown. this is the place where all the toilets flush to so the water can be purified enough to be discharged into the river, etc. it also deals with distribution of freshwater to homes. however, the sweetest part about working for the city is the experience of toiling side-by-side with some of the country labor force’s most conditioned, politically correct, and efficient employees.

as such i can spot a city worker miles away, and let’s just say the guys i observed right outside my window on campus (see below) were making me nostalgic for the cityworker lifestyle. i decided to chronologically capture their on-the-job efficiency…

yesterday i saw a commercial advertising jokes that you can get sent to your cell phone in text format. “to get the best jokes” and “make your friends laugh” all you need to do is text the word “JOKE” to 85050, and they will send you “the most wanted jokes” for $0.99 per joke/day.

now, $0.99 is a lot of cash to shell out for a freakin’ joke, especially considering the age of GOOGLE and 7yr old cousins. that being said, the monthly rate of $29.70 is a steep price to pay for being funny in an unoriginal kind of way…or will you be?

i decided for the sake of pure entertainment, to shell out a few bucks and see just HOW AWESOME these jokes could possibly be. within seconds i received MY FIRST JOKE which i will reproduce below:

“if i have a fight with my wife, she gets historical! - don’t you mean hysterical? - no, historical. she remembers everything i ever said or did. ‘:-)”

well fucking ROFL LOL. that’s not even a JOKE. it required a character within the “joke” to actually set up the joke. that’s like telling someone a knock-knock joke but doing both parts yourself. LAME.

AND, they put that little ASCII smiley face in there at the end as to say “haha you LOSER we just made $1″

so i HAD to unsubscribe ASAP from this garbage…but i forgot and my phone wakes me up this morning to let me know - it’s JOKETIME! seeing as i already paid for this one too, i decided to have a read. maybe they will redeem themselves. here we go:

“why does a Lada have heating in the boot? - so you won’t get cold hands when you’re pushing it. ‘:-)”

WTF?! who is writing this comedic gold? dennis miller?
question #1: what the crap is a “Lada.”
question #2: what the crap does “heating in the boot” mean?

not to be outdone by some 13yr old kid who probably set up this whole joke scam, i did some googling. it has now been confirmed that a “LADA” is actually a russian car of some sort. to tackle question #2, i had countless conversations with BRITISH people. as such, it has also been confirmed that BOOT = TRUNK, as in the rear storage area of a car.

why does the joke combine british slang with a russian automobile?? well i guess the UK began importing Ladas in the 70’s and it became a niche car. DUH.

APPARENTLY, what i gather from this joke is that Ladas are really crappy cars, and EVERYONE knows this, so that’s why the joke is SO funny.

so maybe the service should change their marketing strategy to “ESOTERIC SHIT TEXTED TO YOUR PHONE FOR $.99″

but hey, at least i learned something and now i can tell the joke and make people feel inadequate for not getting it.

CONCLUSION: after flushing $1.98 down the toilet, i have officially opted out. to me, it would have been totally worth it if i was rich, just to have all this crappy material to blog about. i think tomorrow i will give $0.99 to some drunk-ass bum face down in his 13th shot of bourbon.

the day: yesterday - for the first time ever in the history of me, i actually watched the academy awards in its entirety; and of course i realized why last night was the first time.

amidst jon stewart’s awkward attempted dialogue with a stiff celeb crowd and selma hyek’s breasts, i saw a most appropriate commercial for a prescription sleeping aid, “lunesta.” wooed by their catchphrase, “this great night’s sleep is brought to you by lunesta” i checked out their website like a loser. anyway, per the commercial/website, “side effects may include unpleasant taste, headache, DROWSINESS, dizziness.” not only does it sound like someone prescribed 500mg of my mom’s meatloaf, but DROWSINESS? - well no shit.

in other news, i slept just fine last night, and THAT great night’s sleep was brought to you by five taquitos and several glasses of wine. side effects may include spouting off sarcastic comments at the television, and eating more taquitos.