iced out: puttin’ a cap in global warming
Monday, October 15th, 2007for some reason, i’ve been on a global warming “kick” recently, so here’s hopefully the last bit of agenda i need to let out. i mean, thanks to al gore, not only is everyone able to surf the internet, but the world is now taking complete control of its destiny. ever since “an inconvenient keynote presentation” people are refraining from using paper or plastic at the supermarkets, drinking water out of pottery, and trading in their suv’s for skateboards. right. and when i make my millions, i’m going to fly around in a private paper airplane (recycled, of course).
one of the mega indicators that we are supposedly f*cked is the melting of the polar ice caps. glaciers, greenland, antarctica, etc. anywhere there should be snow and ice. where as i’m more concerned about my gin and tonic getting diluted, there are people out there just going NUTS over the melting of a polar ice cap. like R.E.M. nuts. basically implying that our lives will turn into a real life waterworld. we’ve already tolerated one waterworld, and i guess most people think we can’t stomach the reality spinoff.
but the truth is that once the caps melt, the coasts have readjusted, we’ll all go back to normal, just with slightly less real estate. so, maybe to avoid decades of complaining, worrying, and paranoia, we might as well just melt them ourselves quickly with a special laser satellite or giant hair dryer. i mean, once they’re all melted, the ocean level can’t get any higher, so we’d never have to worry about it anymore. we could issue a 5yr warning so all coastal residents would have a chance to move inside the new, future coastline and scramble from their islands.
imagine how many people this would shut up, and how many protesting hippies/lobbyists would actually have to get jobs because they’d have nothing to complain about. they might even start wearing deodorant. we could focus energies on much more useful agendas. yes, it might get a little warmer, but people are flipping out over a 1 degree increase in 100 years. come on. suck it up and put on a tank top. we’ll be ok. besides, while the average global temp might have gone up a few degrees over the last century, the average temp inside a building has probably gone down by like 10 degrees over the same span. cheers to AC.
and yes, i know that like 90% of the world’s fresh water is in the ice in antarctica. but it seems to me that we’re doing pretty well with the other 10%. last time i checked, i didn’t have to run a hose to the south pole to operate my slip ‘n’ slide. plus, technology already allows us to desalinate ocean water for drinking. but, if we controllably melt antarctica, etc., we might be able to also control what happens to the melted ice (ie. freshwater) - instead of watching it slowly drip away.
so let’s all just chillax and come up with some new summer cocktail recipes.
and called zach morris “preppy” to which he turned into the camera all awkwardly and said “time-out” we’re all supposed to freeze when he does this, but it’s really difficult to do, even for the AC. just when things couldn’t get any worse, a fly landed on my nose and caused me to sneeze. i messed up the whole scene”