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while driving on the 101 the other day i was thinking about just how ridiculous a carpool lane is, especially on a five-lane highway. if ALL five lanes are crowded enough during rush hour, statistically there will also be enough carpoolers to crowd the carpool lane. so, if you’re driving down a five-lane highway, and it has a carpool lane, you’re pretty much just fucked. might as well get a heliocopter.

so you get ONE LANE all to yourself. woo hoo. to get there, you only have to cut across four lanes, and then to exit, cut back across. but don’t worry, because during high traffic times, getting to this exclusive and faster moving lane, and then exiting, should be no problem. and probably not cause any road rage nor increase risk of accidents between cars containing more people in non-airbag equipped seats. whatsoever.

and what about when everyone starts carpooling?

you want to fix traffic? make some non-retarded onramps that allow you to reach a speed higher than 25mph before merging with 65mph traffic. or maybe an off-ramp that doesn’t merge into the onramp, and, unless you’re lucky enough to not get killed and make it to nearest gas station to check your pants, forces you back onto the interstate.

oh - and i saw a minivan in the carpool lane, with a mom and like three kids. am i allowed to call technical bullshit on this? carpooling implies that those in your car had the option to drive, but chose not too. little junior stuffing his face with ice cream in the front seat while his sister is brushing her doll’s hair in the back really had no choice. it’s no different than me driving with two dogs, two pizzas, or two dead bodies. but i didn’t really care because my lane was moving faster anyway.

roosevelt. martin luther king jr. manela. dalai lama. mother teresa. jimmy carter. AL GORE. which one of those does not belong? (hint: all the names but one are in lowercase).

i can’t believe the nobel commitee awarded the peace prize to al gore…and it’s obvious they can’t believe it either, because they felt so guilty they also acknowledged the UN just so people like me wouldn’t flip out too much. maybe they just felt bad for him after the 2000 election.

but i think the real issue here is not so much that al gore won, but why bringing climate change awareness and global warming crap to the forefront of political issues warrants a peace prize. i mean prizes in the past have been awarded for actually DOING GOOD to the world: negotiating ends of wars, peace treaties, advocating issues that actually changed society for the better, devotion to bettering the world, etc. the effects and consequences of these efforts were realized and could be praised/observed by all.

so global warming awareness? al gore is advocating something that has yet to prove its worth, and probably will never end up doing so because some meteor in 50 years will end up wasting all of us AND our hybrid cars. even the hippies and their bicycles made from recycled aluminum foil will go down. yep, good work al. now, if he got the world’s scientists to unite together to solve the problem of when the next meteor will hit the earth, and they fixed it (armageddon style)? that, my hippie friend, is worthy of a prize.

global warming is not new. and there are some folk even still arguing about whether or not it exists, so Big Al couldn’t have done THAT good of a job. research is developing alternative energies because of depletion of natural resources, not to reduce emissions. so i don’t see how al gore’s movie is going to save the world. and if i wanted to be a true liberal, i could say that al gore is only bringing global warming awareness to the portion of society that is wealthy enough to afford to go to movies. now THAT is not in the best interest of the world. what about all those random tribes in africa discharging aerosols? they may never know…

me: crap, i’m really hungry but there’s nowhere on this campus to eat
someone else: jamba juice is open
me: jamba juice?
someone else: yeah, you could get a SMOOTHIE! - that should tie you over.
me: SHIT NO.

it’s not just that fact that their “shakes” weigh 40 pounds. it’s like eating a box of grape nuts in one sitting (which, i argue, cannot be done without imploding). i have no idea how they pack SO much into something the size of a softdrink. and what the crap is a “boost?” they might as well throw a 9-volt battery in your shake, or some speed. i’ve witnessed jamba juicings of friends before - afterwards, it’s not pretty.

but really - a “shake” or “smoothie” is a dessert. thus, if i’m going to have a shake, it will be in conjunction with a meal…and taste good - like chocolate or strawberry maybe. and this is where jamba juice has failed. they have made the shake = the meal. what a waste of a meal…on a shake. next thing you know you’re in the bathroom and NOT HUNGRY for REAL, TASTY food like pork chops and lasagna.

next, they made the meal of non-dessert-like flavors, like green tea crap, “orange-a-peel,” or “razzmatazz!” yeah, i want a shake with ground up orange peels in it. this isn’t LOST - i can get a burrito or a hamburger or anything else that my body is actually capable of digesting from right across the street if i wanted. they might as well have a “cinderblock crunch buster” flavor. “razzmatazz?” sounds “dazzling,” but who knows how many poop “boosts” they put in there.

so, if jamba juice wants to win my heart, they need to do the following:

1) make the shakes alcoholic - this way, one can get their daily recommended dose of bowel movements, calories, and get drunk all in about 25 min off of pretty much something the size of a soft drink. the ultimate in efficiency. they could even serve them in red cups or martini glasses

2) REAL shake flavors like “filet mignon-o-rama” or “taquito-sunrise” would be awesome. if a shake had a big-ass filet mignon in it or some taquitos, maybe i’d consider it. other flavors i’d like to see would be “cap’n crunch berry breeze,” “sour cream and onion pringles passion” and maybe “pack of hot dogs in the size of a shotglass…paradise.” accompanying “boosts” could include mozzarella sticks and kraft cheese singles.

3) start selling jamba shots - these items would be great. it would be the same power of a normal jamba juice but in the size of a shot glass and designed to be taken down in one slider-from-top-gun-bar-scene-in-the-beginning-where-he-meets-maverick-and-goose motion. these would all be pre-made. you pay, you take, you slam, you leave.

4) a jamba juice challenge - just like if you go to that one ribs place in your hometown you have the option of eating 10 lbs of ribs and then you get it for free - jamba juice should have a mega-smoothie (like a big gulp of smoothies) that combines like ALL the boosts. and you have like 25min to finish it. i would hang out at jamba juice all day to watch people attempt this without vomiting or convulsing from too much power.

take it or leave it jamba juice. but for now, i’m sticking to bubble tea.