blogfaced.com

yesterday i saw a commercial advertising jokes that you can get sent to your cell phone in text format. “to get the best jokes” and “make your friends laugh” all you need to do is text the word “JOKE” to 85050, and they will send you “the most wanted jokes” for $0.99 per joke/day.

now, $0.99 is a lot of cash to shell out for a freakin’ joke, especially considering the age of GOOGLE and 7yr old cousins. that being said, the monthly rate of $29.70 is a steep price to pay for being funny in an unoriginal kind of way…or will you be?

i decided for the sake of pure entertainment, to shell out a few bucks and see just HOW AWESOME these jokes could possibly be. within seconds i received MY FIRST JOKE which i will reproduce below:

“if i have a fight with my wife, she gets historical! - don’t you mean hysterical? - no, historical. she remembers everything i ever said or did. ‘:-)”

well fucking ROFL LOL. that’s not even a JOKE. it required a character within the “joke” to actually set up the joke. that’s like telling someone a knock-knock joke but doing both parts yourself. LAME.

AND, they put that little ASCII smiley face in there at the end as to say “haha you LOSER we just made $1″

so i HAD to unsubscribe ASAP from this garbage…but i forgot and my phone wakes me up this morning to let me know - it’s JOKETIME! seeing as i already paid for this one too, i decided to have a read. maybe they will redeem themselves. here we go:

“why does a Lada have heating in the boot? - so you won’t get cold hands when you’re pushing it. ‘:-)”

WTF?! who is writing this comedic gold? dennis miller?
question #1: what the crap is a “Lada.”
question #2: what the crap does “heating in the boot” mean?

not to be outdone by some 13yr old kid who probably set up this whole joke scam, i did some googling. it has now been confirmed that a “LADA” is actually a russian car of some sort. to tackle question #2, i had countless conversations with BRITISH people. as such, it has also been confirmed that BOOT = TRUNK, as in the rear storage area of a car.

why does the joke combine british slang with a russian automobile?? well i guess the UK began importing Ladas in the 70’s and it became a niche car. DUH.

APPARENTLY, what i gather from this joke is that Ladas are really crappy cars, and EVERYONE knows this, so that’s why the joke is SO funny.

so maybe the service should change their marketing strategy to “ESOTERIC SHIT TEXTED TO YOUR PHONE FOR $.99″

but hey, at least i learned something and now i can tell the joke and make people feel inadequate for not getting it.

CONCLUSION: after flushing $1.98 down the toilet, i have officially opted out. to me, it would have been totally worth it if i was rich, just to have all this crappy material to blog about. i think tomorrow i will give $0.99 to some drunk-ass bum face down in his 13th shot of bourbon.

FACT: jack daniels dijon mustard contains a small amount of jack daniels whiskey.

which would occur first? vomiting from getting drunk off jack daniels dijon mustard, or vomiting from eating too much mustard?

according to my calculations, assuming the liver can process one 9oz bottle of jack daniels dijon mustard per hour, i think one would have to eat about 67 of your standard JD dijon mustards in an hour or so in order to get wasted. i say it’s worth it, especially if you’re underage.