blogfaced.com

this award goes to the battery which receives the most cursing on finding out that a particular electronic device requires it. for example, on opening up the back of one of those huge boomboxes from 80’s to see how to make it portable so you can blast “walk like an egyptian” while riding the bus to school, you see it requires D batteries. your response, (if you’re normal and were born after 1970, in this case your response would probably be negative), directly correlates to how annoying the battery is.

obviously D batteries suck because with their size/weight it’s like powering your boombax for 45min with 4 redbulls. but, they are not the most annoying battery to need in a bind…

so, without further ado, the most annoying battery award goes to…THE 9 VOLT. it’s a pretty small battery, and powers small things like RC remotes and other things that have stupid LED lights on them. that being said i don’t know why the manufacturers design the devices for AA or AAA use. when was the last time you’ve seen a 9-volt? all i know is that when something’s not working and i find out it’s because it needs a new 9-volt battery i am pissed. requiring batteries is already annoying, and now i’ve got to find a 9-volt? SHIT.

thank god for smoke detectors. which also doesn’t make sense to me. why make a smoke detector use rare and stupid batteries instead of ones that are more commonly found around the house? that’ll probably all change when someone’s place burns down while they’re on a day long trip to home depot or batteries plus with the dead 9-volt, trying to convince the store help that they do still exist, and they need one NOW. i’d say the only redeeming quality of the 9-volt is convincing someone to press the end to their tongue to see if the battery is dead or not. and obviously you tell them it’s dead, but it’s really not.

and just for thoroughness, the scale of battery annoyingness goes 9-VOLT > D > C >> AAA > A.

for some reason, i’ve been on a global warming “kick” recently, so here’s hopefully the last bit of agenda i need to let out. i mean, thanks to al gore, not only is everyone able to surf the internet, but the world is now taking complete control of its destiny. ever since “an inconvenient keynote presentation” people are refraining from using paper or plastic at the supermarkets, drinking water out of pottery, and trading in their suv’s for skateboards. right. and when i make my millions, i’m going to fly around in a private paper airplane (recycled, of course).

one of the mega indicators that we are supposedly f*cked is the melting of the polar ice caps. glaciers, greenland, antarctica, etc. anywhere there should be snow and ice. where as i’m more concerned about my gin and tonic getting diluted, there are people out there just going NUTS over the melting of a polar ice cap. like R.E.M. nuts. basically implying that our lives will turn into a real life waterworld. we’ve already tolerated one waterworld, and i guess most people think we can’t stomach the reality spinoff.

but the truth is that once the caps melt, the coasts have readjusted, we’ll all go back to normal, just with slightly less real estate. so, maybe to avoid decades of complaining, worrying, and paranoia, we might as well just melt them ourselves quickly with a special laser satellite or giant hair dryer. i mean, once they’re all melted, the ocean level can’t get any higher, so we’d never have to worry about it anymore. we could issue a 5yr warning so all coastal residents would have a chance to move inside the new, future coastline and scramble from their islands.

imagine how many people this would shut up, and how many protesting hippies/lobbyists would actually have to get jobs because they’d have nothing to complain about. they might even start wearing deodorant. we could focus energies on much more useful agendas. yes, it might get a little warmer, but people are flipping out over a 1 degree increase in 100 years. come on. suck it up and put on a tank top. we’ll be ok. besides, while the average global temp might have gone up a few degrees over the last century, the average temp inside a building has probably gone down by like 10 degrees over the same span. cheers to AC.

and yes, i know that like 90% of the world’s fresh water is in the ice in antarctica. but it seems to me that we’re doing pretty well with the other 10%. last time i checked, i didn’t have to run a hose to the south pole to operate my slip ‘n’ slide. plus, technology already allows us to desalinate ocean water for drinking. but, if we controllably melt antarctica, etc., we might be able to also control what happens to the melted ice (ie. freshwater) - instead of watching it slowly drip away.

so let’s all just chillax and come up with some new summer cocktail recipes.

email is ruining conversational focus. it’s making exchanges look like this:

“hey, did you get my email about going to the game this weekend?”
“oh yeah, the game - yeah we should go to the game this weekend”
“well duh, but did you get the email?”
“yeah, i got the email”
“why didn’t you tell me you got the email?”
“what i have to tell you when i get your emails?”
“yes”
“so you don’t care about whether or not i am going to the game, just as long as your email works”
“yeah, pretty much”

this is slightly better:

“are you interested in the game this weekend?”
“oh, you mean per your email?”
“what you want to talk about fucking email now or the game?”
“ok, ok. well when’s the game?”
“dude, just check your email”

optimal:

“dude. game this weekend, we’re going”
“nice. i’m there”
“i love you, man”
“i love you, too, bro”

now i know there have been some rumors about the possibility of cellphones causing brain tumors. i have been using a cellphone since about 2003 and i can assure all three of you that there is no harm in using cellphones. to prove this i just did the multiplication tables (1 through 9) and recalled all of the 87 states in alphabetical order. and you see, my sentiments are also being echoed by the FDA.

recently, the FDA (the same people that recommend all sorts of stuff nobody listens to) questioned a study by the “swedish national institute for working life” correlating cellphone usage to brain cancer. this makes me feel a bit more confident in the competency of the FDA, and really doesn’t change that much any of my presumptions of the swiss. apparently, the swiss (swiss, swedish - whatever) study used “questionnaires” sent to thousands of participants to decide that cellphone usage over time increased the risk of brain cancer. i can just imagine how accurate this study would have to be:

that being said, even if cellphones caused brain cancer, that can’t be that bad, can it? i mean, talking on a cellphone shouldn’t be allowed to make you smarter or cooler - especially if you’re on a crowded subway or bus and that one guy next to you blabbing loudly on his cellphone won’t shut up about “having the numbers on his desk tomorrow morning” and “the smith proposal.” i mean i’d much rather see THAT GUY collapse from some brain malfunction than the guy whose just quietly minding his own business, kicking ass at sudoku.

ps-just so we get one thing straight, my NCAA bracket that was picked via coinflips picked 50% of the final four teams and 50% of the final two teams. now, i’m an expert

well i’m declaring myself desperate for material today, so what the hell, why not bring back one of those excellent text message jokes suckers can get sent to their cellphone for $0.99/day. maybe i will accept donations if i keep these kinds of posts going, but every once and awhile it’s good to see if this crackhead joke-texting company (and by company i mean 13yr old british kid…probably) has lost their comedic touch…

and just so you believe me that i am actually receiving this crap on my phone instead of googling really bad jokes just to save a shekel, i included a screen shot (yes i know my battery is low). this is the real deal, people…

what is grey and not there.
no elephants.

well crap. not only did they opt for the command form of the question (aka. NO QUESTION MARK) but it is quite unclear to me as to whether or not the person being told the joke is supposed to answer incorrectly so that the punchline becomes “no, you dumbass - elephants. duh” however, after talking it through with the kid from jerry mcguire, it has become clear to me that elephants are indeed grey, so simply “elephants” cannot be the “answer.”

NOW, let us consider the literal punchline: “no elephants”

ok, so i get that if there are no elephants around (specifically “there”), they can still be grey. but so can a lot of stuff - cooked hamburger meat is kind of grey. so are steel reinforcement beams and some 4-door sedans. but maybe all these items were “there” at the time of the joke. but what if you were telling this joke in the african savannah? would the answer be an apple powerbook?

bottom line: this joke is not well thought out, but it does give rise to a new annoying joke template. the research to arrive at this new template is probably why we are being charged $0.99. see, now i can be funny to impress my friends:

what is yellow and not there. no canaries.
what is pink, purple, weird and not there. no dennis rodman.
what is brown and always there. chuck norris’s beard.

and so on.

i think my money would have been better spent on getting HALF of a pizza delivered from DOMINOS.

but still - could this guy (a guy in my lab) get any closer to his computer screen? i didn’t think it was even possible to focus on something that close. maybe he has a “macro mode” button or something. also, he does wear glasses.