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i just got this awesome “widget” (small program for the mac that does not assist in picking up girls) for my desktop called “google fight.” essentially, besides bringing my maturity level down a few notches and wasting my time, this widget is quite useful when used correctly. basically, you enter two search terms in two separate queries and for each term, google returns a bar graph representation of how many pages or hits that search would return if you were to actually google it. you could easily just independently google the terms, yes, but this is much more dramatic. especially since the bars “grow” as the search engine combs the net, adding the much-needed suspense element to my life.

of course, i am now using “google fight” to come up with useless knowledge that i can drop on ANYONE at ANYTIME, as well as answer those tough questions from my loyal readers…

ROUND 1

finally, the longstanding debate can be substantiated!

however, i’m more of a christina aguilera fan. some small manipulation gives:

ROUND 2

on to more important, serious matters. allow me to dazzle you with my political and worldly prowess, as i hear globalization is the new hottness:

that’s funny - the u.s. was winning a week ago last time i checked. more troops must be deployed!

ROUND 3

go science…actually i’m suprised there’s even this much on intelligent design. just goes to show you how much CRAP there is out there on the net (sans this site, of course).

ROUND 4

*sigh* now, i can rest in peace.

let me get straight to the issue - yesterday i got stung by a bee. on the foot. stupid me for wanting to take my sandals off and walk around in the grass.

for one, i can’t remember the last time i, or anyone i knew got stung by a bee. i felt like i was eight years old and just went off the edge of the slip ‘n’ slide only to be greeted by something like TEN THOUSAND TIMES SMALLER THAN ME which is near capable of KICKING MY ASS. i forgot how much those things hurt. it makes you feel like a chump since they are so small. i’d much rather be grimacing because a polar bear punched me in the face than because a tiny insect bit me - i’m pretty sure if bees were capable of administering paper cuts they could probably take down most action heros, except for maybe steven segal.

BUT, as it turns out, i got the last laugh, since the bee probably DIED. why it is an evolutionary advantage to be a martyr is beyond me, but bees are pretty good at it, so what’s up now. maybe that’s how the dinosaurs wasted themselves - the cavedudes come into the picture, flex a bit and start running their mouths at the dinosaurs. then, the a t-rex gives a caveman a charlie horse right before he has a heart attack and dies . real smart.

therefore, i’m convinced the bee sting is no more than an evolutionary publicity stunt. i mean nobody would give a shit about bees if they didn’t sting you. nobody would talk about them, there would be no fear, no paranoia, no cereals, no action movies. now, a bee stings someone and they start complaining about it and blog about it or something, and before you know it everyone’s all “oh yeah, bees and stuff, etc.” next thing you know, they’re appearing in blockbuster movies and giving nightmares to 5yr olds. i give you “honey, i shrunk the kids.”

in fact, between the aforementioned moronic anti-darwinian traits possessed by the bees and the fact that they’re pretty much useless, it’s amazing they still even exist. i mean, it probably took at least half of all the bees in the world to kill off macaulay culkin’s career with the unfortunate scene in “my girl.” (speaking of, i just saw there was a “my girl 2″ - what?! isn’t that a bit cold? i guess she moved on fast, or nobody really cared about home alone (a post all in itself). anyway. slut.). in addition to that, they’re always stinging stuff and dying. how are they supposed to become stronger and more adaptive?

just think how much more awesome elementary school would be if every time a bully gave you a swirlie or a texas tittie twister he just flat out keeled over and died. i wonder if we’d have ANY violence, or, if we’d have the same amount of violence because bullies believe so passionately in their cause for tormenting kids sweet at math.

do you know that a beekeeper can make $20,000 - $100,000 per year? probably 20k if you’re a pansy, and maybe 100k if you’re willing to eat bumble bees on fear factor.

and can someone please put up a decent pic of honey nut cheerios on google image? all the crap up there now looks like ebay photos. like check out this vintage box of honey nut cheerios. unacceptable.

today i saw a bum with an ipod.

skepticism of sparing change for the homeless will now have a new look:

BUM: hey bro, can you spare some change?
NOT BUM: how do i know you’re not going to take my change and go right around the corner to the apple store and buy an ipod nano?
BUM: yeah, should i get the 2gb or the 4gb?
NOT BUM: well how big is your music library?
BUM: pretty much a few songs that i wrote with desmond on 43rd and chestnut who has a harmonica…and some clay aiken.
NOT BUM: perhaps the ipod shuffle seems more in your price range.
BUM: but it has no screen
NOT BUM: true. here’s a nickel.
BUM: god bless, man.

steve jobs has officially taken over the world.

leave it to the new york times - i was notified of an article which summarized the conclusions of a recent study - “the most scientifically rigorous investigation of whether prayer can heal illness.” oh yeah, it gets better.

not only did the 2 bypass surgery groups (one receiving prayers, the other not) experience similar rates of post-op complications (the measure of whether or not prayer was effective), but within the group of patients receiving prayer, those whom were told they were being prayed for experienced increased rates of complications - this was shown by some sweet bar graphs in the actual paper. the reasoning? “perhaps from expectations the prayers created.” moral of the story: don’t pray for me you’re stressing me out.

i feel sorry for the group that didn’t get prayed for at all - i don’t know how they decided which patients were to get prayers. maybe that was the “scientifically rigorous” part of the study - “by systematically varying the height and rotation of a common two-sided monetary unit, we were able to conclusively arrive at an unbias way for dividing up patients into the two groups”

and of course there are NO variables in a prayer study. the research didn’t even set up the proper control experiments - like what about having groups where people prayed that the patients DID get complications, or groups where people tried to undo the prayers. or pray for george mason to win the ncaa tournament in addition to praying to relieve complications of some random patient.

and what about the people who prayed? supposedly they were members from local parishes who didn’t even know the patients. what if family members were praying for the patients who were supposed to be in the non-praying group?

what if the people praying for the patients prayed wrong? like they messed up a name?

conclusions? “the role of awareness of prayer should be studied further.” well shit. translation: after countless discussions with pretty much NOT GOD, we have no idea what the crap is going on with this whole “prayer thing.” at least whenever someone starts complaining to me about their money going into basic science research, i can cite this bullshit. and for future reference, i don’t think using science to prove god exists really works - i mean, that’s like proving intelligent design with natural selection. finally, the researchers didn’t even put GOD down as the primary author. the bible belt is going to have something to say about that.

ok i’ve had just about enough of the ncaa basketball crap. foolish of me to expect a big ten team to score over 50pts in a game. as such, i’m reproducing my actual shitty bracket below (left), and the coin flip one (right) for comparison so i can turn my attention to more important things…

like PIRATES. i read that the us navy has apprehended some “somali pirates” - ironically, off the coast of somalia. this is very fascinating to me, since it seems that the art of being a pirate was lost with the turn of the 19th century or so. apparently these pirates were firing on us navy ships. while there are “conflicting reports” of how the “gunbattle” began, i’m hoping it was over some “booty” or a treasure map. this resurgence of pirate lifestyle leads me to make the following statement: WE NEED MORE PIRATES. we need more pirate movies, we need more pirate stories, we need pirate reality tv shows, pirate cereals. pirate themed parties, bars, everything.

now, there has been a slight pirate revival over the past few decades to ensure their longevity and solidify their enigmatic lifestyle (minus “the swiss family robinson” - those pirates were pansies.) we have the ride at disneyworld (awesome), the pirate themed legos (arguably the best subcategory of legos, or any toy for that matter), more recently johnny depp/in pirates of the carribean. and of course we have captain morgan rum, and i’m pretty sure cap’n crunch was a pirate at some point. this is NOT enough.

i want more. when i saw “pirates of the carribean” i wanted that movie to last like 6 hours, and i really don’t know why, but i am willing to make a few conjectures:

1. pirates drinking and partying
2. really bad tavern lighting
3. deserted islands
4. STEALING SHIPS - this has to be the most hardcore thing about a pirate. stealing something so HUGE and so SLOW, that wherever you go with it, there is NO WAY to cover up the fact that it was STOLEN. but like pirates care.

so, if you do not agree with me, ask yourself this:

when was the last time you rooted against a pirate?
when was the last time you saw a pirate get his ass kicked?
when was the last time you saw a pirate get tricked?
when was the last time you did not cheer when you saw someone dressed up like a pirate?

the pirate embodies all that is immoral - raping, pillaging, plundering - yet we still cheer them on. additionally, the pirate embodies so many random concepts and physical attributes that make absolutely no sense that it comes off as pure concocted fantasy - so we cannot take their bad deeds seriously. peg legs, gold, talking parrots, eyepatches, “arrrr.” why should any of these ridiculous items be associated with someone that sails around in a ship and steals stuff? is a pirate more likely to lose an eyeball than a blacksmith? is there a communicative advantage on the high seas to the phrase “arrrr!!”? i don’t know, but i don’t care.

but what’s too bad is that real life examples of pirates are rare. so when i read a story like this it makes me smile and wonder if there really are small islands full of pirates - lost in time, drinking and enjoying themselves, looking for treasure, watching sportscenter. if so, i’d like to take a year off and hang.