blogfaced.com

considering my rantings and musings about various establishments/people such as wal-mart, the media, pizza delivery dudes, that one annoying guy, hippies, jamba juice, etc. (how’d you like that for plugging myself), you’re probably expecting me to mention the post office by now.

ALAS! i will today…but, for a limited time only, i’m going to try to talk POSITIVE about the 21st century’s pony express…

mostly because i feel post offices get a bad rep (the whole “that job is so miserable people get depressed and shoot everyone” joke doesn’t help…along with the phrase “to go postal”) , so when i got back from the post office not too long ago i decided i needed to put some good karma out there for our government employees. why? because my most recent post office experience was the most painLESS experience (related to mail) EVER. i just had to mail a large envelope…no forms, no lines, nothing. i was in and out in about 2 minutes. when the post office lady said “thank you, have a nice day” i couldn’t move. it’s like going into the doctor for a tetanus shot and you’re bracing yourself for this incredible pain and then they’re like “ok, it’s done” and you’re like ‘what? that’s it?’ like you’re disappointed they didn’t justify your pre-injection whining. so there i am, at the post office, my work done. but i was just waiting there - dumbfounded out of ease and efficiency of my transaction - for one of the disgruntled employees just getting off his coffee break to punch me in the stomach and then tell me to go to the end of the line. you know the end. right by all those two-dimensional priority mail boxes that you have to pay for, and fold yourself, only to have the mailman punt it around “backstage” with his buddies ace ventura-style. then the recipient of the package rips it open and throws it in the trash. SCREW THAT.

nonetheless i was able to leave in triumphant disbelief and feel i must share this because the consumer oriented post office is about to go the way of zubaz pants and crystal clear pepsi (wow, there’s so much great material there i may have to devote entire posts to those topics alone). i mean, for one, i can’t remember the last time i bought stamps. it was probably the last time i wrote a check… which was probably for the stamps. i’m pretty sure it was 1990 when i was mailing away for a free foam boomerang with 10 proofs of purchases from cheerios. those were great, actually. cereals used to have some cool stuff inside. now it’s all crap, like justin timberlake stickers for your notebooks or cd-roms with health propaganda on them. i remember having a specific “bin,” which, as soon as i forced my mom to purchase a cereal, i would just dump the entire box in this bin so i could easily fish out the latest toy. this would happen with multiple cereals and of course i wouldn’t eat them once they were all mixed up. like the last thing i want is to eat a lucky charm red balloon marshmallow with a raisin on it. gross.

ANYWAY - i feel sorry for post office. it’s one of uncle sam’s oldest children. treading water because it can’t pass math class or make friends on the playground, and consistently gets called to the principal’s office for firearm possession. meanwhile its brother, the military, is dominating the world and getting all the budget/media attention. the internet destroyed its era, and once the baby boomers are gone, who will be left to patronize it? why do you think stamps only have old school people like elvis and “i love lucy” on them? because these people are recognized by those using the stamps. you’ll never see jay leno or mc hammer on a circulating stamp. well maybe the hammer, but i’m sure he’d demand 10% of the stamp sales to help get out of bankruptcy (oh!).

but now, people use the post office less because the stamps are annoying and keep going up (if the post office REALLY wanted to boost their presence with the younger generation, they should lace the sticky stamp side with whiskey or ecstasy and revamp their ad campaign: “STAMPS: lick it, mail it or hit it” or something) - so people start sending emails with attachments. so the post office raises the price of stamps to keep its balance sheet afloat. a vicious cycle. i vividly remember the day my dad discovered he could save 37 cents by scanning in newspaper clippings and emailing them instead of snail-mailing them. now i can practically tell you who got the speeding ticket yesterday near the taco bell in my hometown. and his coinpurse has never been more full.

[raise glasses] to the post office!

i’ve kind of just realized that none of my categories make any sense, so use your imagination…

last weekend was the first time i had been in an airport/flew anywhere since starting down the path of no return that is the tv show L O S T. lets just say, for every character on the show, you can spot their identical real-life counterpart in an airport. even hurley. it’s really quite amazing.

that being said, there’s something about an airport that turns everyone into a selfish-butthole-people person. that might not make any sense, but let me give you an example: you might be in the terminal chilling and waiting for your boarding call and start talking to the dude next to you about how zidane’s head-butt in the world cup was so sweet it had to have been the result of some kid pressing all the right buttons on a playstation 2 controller. you know - simple, mindless conversation. you and the terminal folk are bound by a commonality that is the airplane, and any mishap/triumph related to that plane you share. this is almost grounds for immediate friendship. FAST FORWARD to on the plane, when the same guy clocks you in the head with his midget-sized carry-on and then puts his seat back all the way in your FACE while you’re trying to stabilize that full plastic cup of ginger ale. he’ll dive over the rows when it’s time to deplane, and probably take his shoes off while snoozing, creating the dilemma of what’s more gross, drool or the stench of his feet.

and now, i’m going to come right out and say that airlines should BAN carry-on luggage. yeah that’s right, i said it. there should NOT be such thing as “overhead bins.” if you can’t fit it in your lap, than check that crap. just think how much faster boarding and deplaning would be if you didn’t have fat albert trying to shove his life possessions between some seattle-bound hippie’s guitar case and a perfectly folded sportcoat, which, if touched will initiate a smoldering glare from mr. corporate a few rows back (if he’s not busy reading his copy of “the economist” that he picked up at the newstand to impress the desperate housewife in 23B who’s pissed that she’s flying coach). by my calculations, flight time would plummet, on average, by 30-40min. baggage claim is getting more and more reliable and with all the tracking technology, there is no such thing as a lost bag anymore. so, i say just a small purse, backpack or laptop bag - not any bullshit on rollers. and NO trombones. you think air force one has overhead bins?

but the stress of flying is all worth it for one reason, and one reason only: SKYMALL. this catalog is awesome. you can buy anything from a real, working hovercraft all the way to a vending machine. in fact, i take them off the flight and bring them home. do i buy anything? not yet, but this christmas could be a skymall christmas. i think there’s something about paging through a catalog and dreaming about owning a sensor-mediated wireless nosetrimmer that plays mp3s. and i would LOVE to know if anyone has actually bought something WHILE flying on the plane. talk about the real ultimate sucker.

and now for some bragging just to wrap this up - i’ve never been to the bathroom on an airplane…ever. at first i didn’t really think about it probably because i never had to go, but now there’s a huge streak on the line so i totally prep for it. one time i was on the runway for 4 hours (delayed) and then had a 4 hour flight. i thought i was going to die but i made it. bring on the overseas flights, baby!

let me get straight to the issue - yesterday i got stung by a bee. on the foot. stupid me for wanting to take my sandals off and walk around in the grass.

for one, i can’t remember the last time i, or anyone i knew got stung by a bee. i felt like i was eight years old and just went off the edge of the slip ‘n’ slide only to be greeted by something like TEN THOUSAND TIMES SMALLER THAN ME which is near capable of KICKING MY ASS. i forgot how much those things hurt. it makes you feel like a chump since they are so small. i’d much rather be grimacing because a polar bear punched me in the face than because a tiny insect bit me - i’m pretty sure if bees were capable of administering paper cuts they could probably take down most action heros, except for maybe steven segal.

BUT, as it turns out, i got the last laugh, since the bee probably DIED. why it is an evolutionary advantage to be a martyr is beyond me, but bees are pretty good at it, so what’s up now. maybe that’s how the dinosaurs wasted themselves - the cavedudes come into the picture, flex a bit and start running their mouths at the dinosaurs. then, the a t-rex gives a caveman a charlie horse right before he has a heart attack and dies . real smart.

therefore, i’m convinced the bee sting is no more than an evolutionary publicity stunt. i mean nobody would give a shit about bees if they didn’t sting you. nobody would talk about them, there would be no fear, no paranoia, no cereals, no action movies. now, a bee stings someone and they start complaining about it and blog about it or something, and before you know it everyone’s all “oh yeah, bees and stuff, etc.” next thing you know, they’re appearing in blockbuster movies and giving nightmares to 5yr olds. i give you “honey, i shrunk the kids.”

in fact, between the aforementioned moronic anti-darwinian traits possessed by the bees and the fact that they’re pretty much useless, it’s amazing they still even exist. i mean, it probably took at least half of all the bees in the world to kill off macaulay culkin’s career with the unfortunate scene in “my girl.” (speaking of, i just saw there was a “my girl 2″ - what?! isn’t that a bit cold? i guess she moved on fast, or nobody really cared about home alone (a post all in itself). anyway. slut.). in addition to that, they’re always stinging stuff and dying. how are they supposed to become stronger and more adaptive?

just think how much more awesome elementary school would be if every time a bully gave you a swirlie or a texas tittie twister he just flat out keeled over and died. i wonder if we’d have ANY violence, or, if we’d have the same amount of violence because bullies believe so passionately in their cause for tormenting kids sweet at math.

do you know that a beekeeper can make $20,000 - $100,000 per year? probably 20k if you’re a pansy, and maybe 100k if you’re willing to eat bumble bees on fear factor.

and can someone please put up a decent pic of honey nut cheerios on google image? all the crap up there now looks like ebay photos. like check out this vintage box of honey nut cheerios. unacceptable.

yeah, yeah, i know it’s “been awhile since i last rapped at ya,” not like that should be an excuse, so maybe i just wanted that last post on hippies to marinate for awhile. i’ve been getting everything from death threats to thank you cards for my multiple week hiatus. i’ll get back to some commentary soon, but in the meantime there are some things i need to deal with:

MODERATING COMMENTS

now most of the comments i get you all do not get to see because they are mostly from “generic first name” at gmail.com or something. they’re usually quite polite, you know saying that “they like my site” or “best site!” followed by about 50 url links to various “enhancing” medications. now i’ll take this as a sign that i’ve hit it bigtime or someone really is annoyed with me (perhaps a hippie or city worker). however, some comments are actually real, and some, a bit TOO real…

yes - my dad has discovered this site and resorted to talking trash via the open forum provided by the comment section. thanks, dad - i feel like the wizard of oz after toto blows his cover by unveiling the curtain at the end. “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” all of a sudden my omnipotence and ominousness (?) has been stripped. you know, like the tough kid in elementary school who steals lunch money and pile drives people into lockers that everyone’s afraid of until they see his mom grab him by the ear after school and chew him out to the point of tears. suddenly, he’s not so tough.

well, i know i probably don’t scare everyone (or anyone, for that matter), but hopefully i can recover from this. maybe my dad needs a livejournal.

30 SECONDS I WOULD HAVE RATHER SPENT GETTING ALL 6 HAIRS ON MY CHEST WAXED

seriously, over the past two weeks my precious time has been taken away by listening to conversations like this outside borders:

dude: thanks [i just held the door open for him and his lady]
lady: yeah, so i just can’t decide between the lexus l series blah blah (i forget the exact model). but sharon just got a new range rover and she really likes it, so there’s that…
dude: yeah, that sounds good [punches himself]
[we have parted ways at this point]

so, while these people are the centerpieces of an earlier post of mine, i really thought i was in some movie for a second. who actually talks like that? i guess people in palo alto - but hey, i’ve got a car for you - how about a LADA? plenty of room for your fur coat and vera wang (whatever THAT is, but i heard it once on the OC - it sounded expensive).

MOST RIDICULOUS FAUCET DESIGN EVER

i happen to arrive at this bar in SF the other night which could give any dive bar any of you have ever been to a run for its money. the lure of the shuffleboard table is what i think drew us there, and the smell is what drew us out. in any event, they had these bathrooms (more like closets), which had one of those sinks that had separate faucets for the hot and cold water.

ok.

i really don’t get how this is supposed to be practical in regulating temperature. you have to put your hands under the hot water until you get 2nd degree burns, then cool them off with the cold water until they’re numb, repeat? and somehow during this traumatic and stressful handwashing you have to use soap? if goldilocks saw this shit she’d FLIP.

now, i know these faucets exist, but i have only seen them in the context of really fancy/upscale establishments where elegance trumps practicality. this is understandable. but, by no means was this bar quintessential in high class. you’re more likely to get served a punch in the face than a martini and i think people were looking at my collared shirt funny like i went all “silver spoons” on them. my plea for them is to drop the act and get a real sink before SOMEONE GETS HURT.

i know lately it seems as though i’ve just been picking on organizations and berrating them, but sometimes it’s just too easy. here i was just trying to sit down, relax a bit, maybe watch an episode or two of LOST and get a pizza for myself, macaulay culkin-style in home alone. ERROR.

DOMINO’S: um, domino’s pizza how can i help you. [yes, no question mark]
ME: yeah, i’d like a delivery
DOMINO’S: a doy, what’s your name
ME: arnold
D[takes 1min to type into computer]: ok, a doy, are you on spring street?
ME: no, that’s probably a DIFFERENT arnold. would you like my phone
number?
D: no, a doyie doy, that might be too much.
ME: [WTF?] um, ok.
D: is there anything else you’d like?
ME: besides this conversation to make sense and be productive towards
getting me a pizza? NO, NOT REALLY.
D: oh, you want a delivery?
ME: yes.
D: oh, i thought you already ordered.
me: yes, of course - i’m just calling domino’s, alone, late at night because i like
it when they talk retarded to me for $0.99/min.

[order finally happens]

D: that will be $11.90
ME: easy, there. what’s the tax?
D: 91 cents, a doy, and a delivery charge of $2.00
ME: a delivery charge?
D: yes, i’m sorry sir. that will be 35-40min.

a delivery charge? i don’t recall ever paying a delivery charge. you’re DOMINOS. it’s not like you didn’t know what you were getting into when you decided you wanted to DELIVER PIZZAS for a business model. next thing you’re going to tell me mcdonald’s is charging $1.00 for refills on sprite, and i have to pay to get into a women’s volleyball game.

well, at least the pizza wasn’t bad.

while i do not really have much of on intro for the following lists, they are the result of 10-15 years experience on the social scene. the reason for their posting today goes back to my observation of a ~45yr old skateboarding, which i thought was awesome, but not in an efficient way. i thought he must have just started skateboarding in his early twenties or so, right when it was the cool thing for kids to do - but for some reason, he never let it go…

TOP 5 THINGS THAT AREN’T REALLY COOL NOW, BUT WERE PRETTY AWESOME WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER:

5. riding your bike with no hands. i see this just about everyday - yeah we get it, your momentum prevents the handlebars from turning, and unfortunately, you from faceplanting - oh, p.s. - everyone can do it so just chill out before you cause an accident.

4. velcro shoes - 1st grade = cool. 16th grade = RAINMAN (ok, rainman was alright, but you know what i mean). if you can’t tie your shoes by now…

3. working at mcdonalds and buying crappy “classic” cars to fix up - i group these because i feel they go hand in hand - most people worked at mc’ds to earn money to buy a tire from an old camaro so they could fix it up and have the sweetest ride at school. but if you’re still working at mcdonald’s in your twenties, and it’s not for a joke or something, save some of your self worth - go to taco bell.

2. nike “AIR” basketball shoes AND those lame addidas soccer shoes - EVERYONE wore this stuff and thought it was cool, and it was - i mean, these were the days of the tennis shoes revolution, in the era of michael jordan and the rising of gangs and expensive sports apparel. but i think we’ve all outgrown this stuff now. ONE EXCEPTION = rap music videos

1. flicking boogers at people - man, i remember these days, and the legend of nate johnson in 6th grade nailing joey meyer with a booger from across the room. but try doing that in a lecture hall in college, or at a job interview - ERROR

and, just for good measure, we might as well pay tribute to the goods that can really stand the test of time…

TOP 5 THINGS THAT WILL ALWAYS BE COOL:

5. saved by the bell - while saved by the bell “the college years” was a crappy attempt to prolong the series, it was still better than anything out today. saved by the bell started it all. 90210? crap! (except for the theme song which was pretty awesome). before melrose, 90210, friends, the OC - any other show which tells of the daily drama between three guys and three girls, there was saved by the bell. and ac slater will never be replaced. nor will his hair.

4. working at taco bell - whether you’re 4, 12, 26, or 78 years of age, taco bell is a sweet deal. especially if they keep the crunchwrap supreme going. plus they have that sour cream gun which goes unparalleled as the sweetest “utensil” in the food industry (have you seen the trajectory on those things?)

3. rice krispy treats. this may sound lame, but i could eat a whole pan of that stuff back in 7th grade. and now i can still take one down - with a few beers to boot.

2. reebok pumps - the concept of “pumping air” into a shoe was revolutionary in the era of “inferior” shoes that only had pre-set volumes of “air” in their soles. and the pure motion of reaching down, not to tie your shoe, but to squeeze the tongue of the shoe a few times, rise up, and give that look that you, my friend, are now READY TO ROCK.

1. farting

went to walmart yesterday and i almost pulled a gun from the sporting goods section and shot myself. i’m sure this kind of thing about walmart has been ranted about constantly, but this store is SO STRESSFUL for the average human. next time i go i feel i’m going to have to knock out four teeth, wear some awesome sweatpants with the t-shirt advertising the local tavern tucked in, and bring along 12 screaming kids with ice cream stains on their faces just to fit in.

the most ridiculous, annoying part is navigation. it’s like trying to navigate the boston marathon in an escalade: you’re not going anywhere, everyone’s screaming, and there’s a high probability that someone next to you just defecated their pants. why an escalade? because that’s how i roll.

also, i’d say about 90% of all items in the store are in use by customers at any given moment, which is disturbing - i mean what if want to buy that 4ft diameter beachball? not after junior just barfed on it from eating too much candy corn from aisle 3 while his attentive mom was at the checkout. which leads to another interesting point: the ratio of toddlers to adults is just a little too high - it’s suspicious, really. people can’t have that many kids on average - i think that “parents” are convinced that walmart doubles as a babysitter just drop your kids off at 9am, pick ‘em up at 5pm.

but walmart is pretty damn cheap. cheap towells, paper plates, toothpaste, and best of all, cheap nerf weapons. but when i have kids, we’re going to target.

FACT: jack daniels dijon mustard contains a small amount of jack daniels whiskey.

which would occur first? vomiting from getting drunk off jack daniels dijon mustard, or vomiting from eating too much mustard?

according to my calculations, assuming the liver can process one 9oz bottle of jack daniels dijon mustard per hour, i think one would have to eat about 67 of your standard JD dijon mustards in an hour or so in order to get wasted. i say it’s worth it, especially if you’re underage.

i took this picture last night while “out on the town” because it’s awesome. i mean, i don’t even really have to say anything, it’s too easy.

“please use stairs, but don’t be a person capable of movement.”

SOMEONE must have been PISSED. i saw the remains of a telephone book on the parking lot pavement today. it seemed like such a random item to lose/throw out a window of a car(?) and if it was disposed of due to its dilapidated state, how did that happen? i can’t imagine someone using the phonebook SO MUCH that it gets all crappy, unless you’re really short, and sit on it a lot at the dinner table. but even so, why throw it out…you need that.

i’m sure it was just a grad student relationship gone bad as the guy angrily stomps out of the apartment with his girlfriend yelling after him “AND TAKE YOUR STUPID PHONEBOOK, TOO!” of course, he gets the last laugh. he left it to decay.