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considering my rantings and musings about various establishments/people such as wal-mart, the media, pizza delivery dudes, that one annoying guy, hippies, jamba juice, etc. (how’d you like that for plugging myself), you’re probably expecting me to mention the post office by now.

ALAS! i will today…but, for a limited time only, i’m going to try to talk POSITIVE about the 21st century’s pony express…

mostly because i feel post offices get a bad rep (the whole “that job is so miserable people get depressed and shoot everyone” joke doesn’t help…along with the phrase “to go postal”) , so when i got back from the post office not too long ago i decided i needed to put some good karma out there for our government employees. why? because my most recent post office experience was the most painLESS experience (related to mail) EVER. i just had to mail a large envelope…no forms, no lines, nothing. i was in and out in about 2 minutes. when the post office lady said “thank you, have a nice day” i couldn’t move. it’s like going into the doctor for a tetanus shot and you’re bracing yourself for this incredible pain and then they’re like “ok, it’s done” and you’re like ‘what? that’s it?’ like you’re disappointed they didn’t justify your pre-injection whining. so there i am, at the post office, my work done. but i was just waiting there - dumbfounded out of ease and efficiency of my transaction - for one of the disgruntled employees just getting off his coffee break to punch me in the stomach and then tell me to go to the end of the line. you know the end. right by all those two-dimensional priority mail boxes that you have to pay for, and fold yourself, only to have the mailman punt it around “backstage” with his buddies ace ventura-style. then the recipient of the package rips it open and throws it in the trash. SCREW THAT.

nonetheless i was able to leave in triumphant disbelief and feel i must share this because the consumer oriented post office is about to go the way of zubaz pants and crystal clear pepsi (wow, there’s so much great material there i may have to devote entire posts to those topics alone). i mean, for one, i can’t remember the last time i bought stamps. it was probably the last time i wrote a check… which was probably for the stamps. i’m pretty sure it was 1990 when i was mailing away for a free foam boomerang with 10 proofs of purchases from cheerios. those were great, actually. cereals used to have some cool stuff inside. now it’s all crap, like justin timberlake stickers for your notebooks or cd-roms with health propaganda on them. i remember having a specific “bin,” which, as soon as i forced my mom to purchase a cereal, i would just dump the entire box in this bin so i could easily fish out the latest toy. this would happen with multiple cereals and of course i wouldn’t eat them once they were all mixed up. like the last thing i want is to eat a lucky charm red balloon marshmallow with a raisin on it. gross.

ANYWAY - i feel sorry for post office. it’s one of uncle sam’s oldest children. treading water because it can’t pass math class or make friends on the playground, and consistently gets called to the principal’s office for firearm possession. meanwhile its brother, the military, is dominating the world and getting all the budget/media attention. the internet destroyed its era, and once the baby boomers are gone, who will be left to patronize it? why do you think stamps only have old school people like elvis and “i love lucy” on them? because these people are recognized by those using the stamps. you’ll never see jay leno or mc hammer on a circulating stamp. well maybe the hammer, but i’m sure he’d demand 10% of the stamp sales to help get out of bankruptcy (oh!).

but now, people use the post office less because the stamps are annoying and keep going up (if the post office REALLY wanted to boost their presence with the younger generation, they should lace the sticky stamp side with whiskey or ecstasy and revamp their ad campaign: “STAMPS: lick it, mail it or hit it” or something) - so people start sending emails with attachments. so the post office raises the price of stamps to keep its balance sheet afloat. a vicious cycle. i vividly remember the day my dad discovered he could save 37 cents by scanning in newspaper clippings and emailing them instead of snail-mailing them. now i can practically tell you who got the speeding ticket yesterday near the taco bell in my hometown. and his coinpurse has never been more full.

[raise glasses] to the post office!

i’ve just decided that when (if) i become famous/reach celebrity status, and someone requests my autograph, i’m going to PRINT it. sure, i understand the efficiency of the scribbled, cursive autograph, but a printed autograph would be hilarious, especially in the arena of sports memorabilia resale. like a parent trying to verify the authenticity of two paint-by-numbered dog pictures on their refrigerator at home.

“yeah, sure that’s jordan’s autograph. it looks like an 8yr old did that…is that crayon?”

until that comes, i’m calling on all celebrities, and more so athletes to stray away from their penmanship roots and grab hold of the printed art. i want to see barry bonds with a toys-r-us “r” or annika sorenstam with a heart-shaped dot for the “i.” or tom cruise start spelling his name wrong, only to cross it out and rewrite it.

now that’s gotta be worth something.

i’ve kind of just realized that none of my categories make any sense, so use your imagination…

last weekend was the first time i had been in an airport/flew anywhere since starting down the path of no return that is the tv show L O S T. lets just say, for every character on the show, you can spot their identical real-life counterpart in an airport. even hurley. it’s really quite amazing.

that being said, there’s something about an airport that turns everyone into a selfish-butthole-people person. that might not make any sense, but let me give you an example: you might be in the terminal chilling and waiting for your boarding call and start talking to the dude next to you about how zidane’s head-butt in the world cup was so sweet it had to have been the result of some kid pressing all the right buttons on a playstation 2 controller. you know - simple, mindless conversation. you and the terminal folk are bound by a commonality that is the airplane, and any mishap/triumph related to that plane you share. this is almost grounds for immediate friendship. FAST FORWARD to on the plane, when the same guy clocks you in the head with his midget-sized carry-on and then puts his seat back all the way in your FACE while you’re trying to stabilize that full plastic cup of ginger ale. he’ll dive over the rows when it’s time to deplane, and probably take his shoes off while snoozing, creating the dilemma of what’s more gross, drool or the stench of his feet.

and now, i’m going to come right out and say that airlines should BAN carry-on luggage. yeah that’s right, i said it. there should NOT be such thing as “overhead bins.” if you can’t fit it in your lap, than check that crap. just think how much faster boarding and deplaning would be if you didn’t have fat albert trying to shove his life possessions between some seattle-bound hippie’s guitar case and a perfectly folded sportcoat, which, if touched will initiate a smoldering glare from mr. corporate a few rows back (if he’s not busy reading his copy of “the economist” that he picked up at the newstand to impress the desperate housewife in 23B who’s pissed that she’s flying coach). by my calculations, flight time would plummet, on average, by 30-40min. baggage claim is getting more and more reliable and with all the tracking technology, there is no such thing as a lost bag anymore. so, i say just a small purse, backpack or laptop bag - not any bullshit on rollers. and NO trombones. you think air force one has overhead bins?

but the stress of flying is all worth it for one reason, and one reason only: SKYMALL. this catalog is awesome. you can buy anything from a real, working hovercraft all the way to a vending machine. in fact, i take them off the flight and bring them home. do i buy anything? not yet, but this christmas could be a skymall christmas. i think there’s something about paging through a catalog and dreaming about owning a sensor-mediated wireless nosetrimmer that plays mp3s. and i would LOVE to know if anyone has actually bought something WHILE flying on the plane. talk about the real ultimate sucker.

and now for some bragging just to wrap this up - i’ve never been to the bathroom on an airplane…ever. at first i didn’t really think about it probably because i never had to go, but now there’s a huge streak on the line so i totally prep for it. one time i was on the runway for 4 hours (delayed) and then had a 4 hour flight. i thought i was going to die but i made it. bring on the overseas flights, baby!

let me get straight to the issue - yesterday i got stung by a bee. on the foot. stupid me for wanting to take my sandals off and walk around in the grass.

for one, i can’t remember the last time i, or anyone i knew got stung by a bee. i felt like i was eight years old and just went off the edge of the slip ‘n’ slide only to be greeted by something like TEN THOUSAND TIMES SMALLER THAN ME which is near capable of KICKING MY ASS. i forgot how much those things hurt. it makes you feel like a chump since they are so small. i’d much rather be grimacing because a polar bear punched me in the face than because a tiny insect bit me - i’m pretty sure if bees were capable of administering paper cuts they could probably take down most action heros, except for maybe steven segal.

BUT, as it turns out, i got the last laugh, since the bee probably DIED. why it is an evolutionary advantage to be a martyr is beyond me, but bees are pretty good at it, so what’s up now. maybe that’s how the dinosaurs wasted themselves - the cavedudes come into the picture, flex a bit and start running their mouths at the dinosaurs. then, the a t-rex gives a caveman a charlie horse right before he has a heart attack and dies . real smart.

therefore, i’m convinced the bee sting is no more than an evolutionary publicity stunt. i mean nobody would give a shit about bees if they didn’t sting you. nobody would talk about them, there would be no fear, no paranoia, no cereals, no action movies. now, a bee stings someone and they start complaining about it and blog about it or something, and before you know it everyone’s all “oh yeah, bees and stuff, etc.” next thing you know, they’re appearing in blockbuster movies and giving nightmares to 5yr olds. i give you “honey, i shrunk the kids.”

in fact, between the aforementioned moronic anti-darwinian traits possessed by the bees and the fact that they’re pretty much useless, it’s amazing they still even exist. i mean, it probably took at least half of all the bees in the world to kill off macaulay culkin’s career with the unfortunate scene in “my girl.” (speaking of, i just saw there was a “my girl 2″ - what?! isn’t that a bit cold? i guess she moved on fast, or nobody really cared about home alone (a post all in itself). anyway. slut.). in addition to that, they’re always stinging stuff and dying. how are they supposed to become stronger and more adaptive?

just think how much more awesome elementary school would be if every time a bully gave you a swirlie or a texas tittie twister he just flat out keeled over and died. i wonder if we’d have ANY violence, or, if we’d have the same amount of violence because bullies believe so passionately in their cause for tormenting kids sweet at math.

do you know that a beekeeper can make $20,000 - $100,000 per year? probably 20k if you’re a pansy, and maybe 100k if you’re willing to eat bumble bees on fear factor.

and can someone please put up a decent pic of honey nut cheerios on google image? all the crap up there now looks like ebay photos. like check out this vintage box of honey nut cheerios. unacceptable.

[note: this post based on the site’s former domain]

so one of the sweet perks of having a web site (besides VIP passes to clubs and an entourage) is being able to scope the stats - you know like how many hits/day, points per game, and most importantly, HOW people are finding your site. i would assume that many of you come here because you know the url or you’re being paid, etc.

BUT, there is a contingent of folks that have NO IDEA what they are getting into upon arriving to my site. and the reason i think this is because i can see the SEARCHPHRASE that one GOOGLES which leads one to sift through the search results and BAM! next thing they know they’re reading about bums, hippies and jamba juice.

as such, i thought i would give a little back to the reader(s) out there by putting out a few of these googled phrases that landed people to this site. this, of course, will be periodically updated as new genius phrases are googled. for thoroughness (and comedic effect), i’ve put the ranking of my site among the search results with the given phrase:

MOST GOOGLED TEEN SITCOM WASHUP

-”ac slater job interview” - um, i doubt he’s had one in awhile. thanks for the traffic, though. [7th hit, page 1]

not to be confused with another: “ac slater diary” - although if he had one, i’m sure it would go something like this: “today i spent 2 hours shaping my sweet mullet, then went to school and called zach morris “preppy” to which he turned into the camera all awkwardly and said “time-out” we’re all supposed to freeze when he does this, but it’s really difficult to do, even for the AC. just when things couldn’t get any worse, a fly landed on my nose and caused me to sneeze. i messed up the whole scene”

SOME HONORABLE MENTION…

-”i saw someone who stealing goods” - well, well, i guess we were trying to find the number for 911? or maybe hooked on phonics? [19th hit, 2nd page]

-”are there any johnny depp look alike contests anywhere?” - wow, someone has found their calling - now if only they could find a look alike contest. sorry, not here - looks like he’ll be waiting until october [2nd hit, page 1]

SOME HOW-TO

-”making a multiplication table from a paper plate” - woah, this one sidetracked me since i was really curious why a paper plate would be useful for making a multiplication table. it turns out, the plate is just a medium for practicing mulitplication, according to this site. i think my mom would flip if she saw me using paper plates for this bullshit. maybe we should teach geometry BEFORE multiplication so kids learn how to draw circles on looseleaf paper - this would serve the same purpose.

YOUR #1 SITE FOR ELEMENTARY SCHOOL BULLYING/RECESS TACTICS

-”charlie horsing” - ok. this one has caused me to reflect on just how different elementary school is NOW versus when there was no internet. i mean, instead of bullies learning how to do charliehorsing out on the streets/playgrounds, they just google it?! c’mon. i’m sure there are blogs on “how to avoid swirlies” and “the art of stealing lunch money.” the purity of the elementary school experience is at risk, people. kids nowadays aren’t public schooled or homeschooled. they are google-schooled. [#2, page 1]

-”elementary recess ethics” - yeah, i always forget (um, forgot) how to act outside during recess. am i allowed to run around and chase girls? or do the girls chase me? what do i do when someone says i have cooties? how many players are allowed to play kickball? is it wrong to help the smelly kid on the jungle gym just to impress a girl? [#2, page 1]

AND CUTTING EDGE RESEARCH…

-”bubble tea brain malfunction” - this one is great because my site is the NUMBER ONE hit returned. haha, whomever was looking for information on the dangers of bubble tea must have thought i really knew what i was talking about…i mean, if it’s number 1 it must have ALL the dirt on how slamming bubble tea gives you cancer. and i thought cellphones were bad. hope you found what you were looking for, erin brockovich. [NUMBER ONE HIT BABY!!]

yeah, yeah, i know it’s “been awhile since i last rapped at ya,” not like that should be an excuse, so maybe i just wanted that last post on hippies to marinate for awhile. i’ve been getting everything from death threats to thank you cards for my multiple week hiatus. i’ll get back to some commentary soon, but in the meantime there are some things i need to deal with:

MODERATING COMMENTS

now most of the comments i get you all do not get to see because they are mostly from “generic first name” at gmail.com or something. they’re usually quite polite, you know saying that “they like my site” or “best site!” followed by about 50 url links to various “enhancing” medications. now i’ll take this as a sign that i’ve hit it bigtime or someone really is annoyed with me (perhaps a hippie or city worker). however, some comments are actually real, and some, a bit TOO real…

yes - my dad has discovered this site and resorted to talking trash via the open forum provided by the comment section. thanks, dad - i feel like the wizard of oz after toto blows his cover by unveiling the curtain at the end. “pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!” all of a sudden my omnipotence and ominousness (?) has been stripped. you know, like the tough kid in elementary school who steals lunch money and pile drives people into lockers that everyone’s afraid of until they see his mom grab him by the ear after school and chew him out to the point of tears. suddenly, he’s not so tough.

well, i know i probably don’t scare everyone (or anyone, for that matter), but hopefully i can recover from this. maybe my dad needs a livejournal.

30 SECONDS I WOULD HAVE RATHER SPENT GETTING ALL 6 HAIRS ON MY CHEST WAXED

seriously, over the past two weeks my precious time has been taken away by listening to conversations like this outside borders:

dude: thanks [i just held the door open for him and his lady]
lady: yeah, so i just can’t decide between the lexus l series blah blah (i forget the exact model). but sharon just got a new range rover and she really likes it, so there’s that…
dude: yeah, that sounds good [punches himself]
[we have parted ways at this point]

so, while these people are the centerpieces of an earlier post of mine, i really thought i was in some movie for a second. who actually talks like that? i guess people in palo alto - but hey, i’ve got a car for you - how about a LADA? plenty of room for your fur coat and vera wang (whatever THAT is, but i heard it once on the OC - it sounded expensive).

MOST RIDICULOUS FAUCET DESIGN EVER

i happen to arrive at this bar in SF the other night which could give any dive bar any of you have ever been to a run for its money. the lure of the shuffleboard table is what i think drew us there, and the smell is what drew us out. in any event, they had these bathrooms (more like closets), which had one of those sinks that had separate faucets for the hot and cold water.

ok.

i really don’t get how this is supposed to be practical in regulating temperature. you have to put your hands under the hot water until you get 2nd degree burns, then cool them off with the cold water until they’re numb, repeat? and somehow during this traumatic and stressful handwashing you have to use soap? if goldilocks saw this shit she’d FLIP.

now, i know these faucets exist, but i have only seen them in the context of really fancy/upscale establishments where elegance trumps practicality. this is understandable. but, by no means was this bar quintessential in high class. you’re more likely to get served a punch in the face than a martini and i think people were looking at my collared shirt funny like i went all “silver spoons” on them. my plea for them is to drop the act and get a real sink before SOMEONE GETS HURT.

i can’t believe it took me this long to remember how much i despise hippies/protesters. president bush was at stanford today, meeting with a think tank at the hoover institution, which was barracaded off to the public from about noon to like 8pm.

yeah, that’s right - i went to see what was going on and took my hardhitting journalism skillz with me - just to see how many lunatics spent their entire week making posters out of paper plates. considering the secrecy of the event, i’m impressed with how quickly some of stanford’s elite were able to come up with poster slogans and construct them. definitely took some time out of playing HALO, so i commend their pre-school elmer’s glue crunchtime prowess. however, i think whether you’re a disconnected protestor at stanford or stanford state you’re cut from the same tie-dyed cloth of cloud 9ness. most of the posters don’t make any sense, which is not surprising considering the ponytailed green-canvas-wearing, button-clad hippie was probably stoned when he made it (yeah, i said it).

what was interesting is how many people had no idea what was going on or where the president was. the mere fact that people probably hung out there for 8 hours on a weekday, waiting to shout a few words (which i’m sure he’s never heard before) at nothing pretty much justifies the uselessness of a modern-day protester. it was exactly like being at a phish concert after the main act and waiting for the encore: people randomly “cheering” while everyone from forrest rangers to rent-a-cops to secret service did their song and dance around the barracades. every once and awhile someone would get the impression that bush was coming, and cheering would erupt - but it turned out to be a roadie with some amps and a few untuned guitars.

so, i figured i could have done the cliche buffalo springfield or CCR protest/war montage, but that pumps hippies up too much and they’ll flip out and start running around naked and blasting john lennon from their vans. as such, i used a more modern audio track. check it out:

WE NEED A MONTAGE

so hey, man. join the revolution. yeah. maybe i should respect the fact that protesters just like to shout, even if it’s gibberish. a perfect example was when they undermined their most original, organized chant, “bush go home!” with the more emotional “show your face!” after several hours of his absence. well, do you want him to stay or go?

and crap, i really wanted that firetruck to keep moving when a couple martyr-hippies refused to get out of the way. maybe the truck was trying to run them over but was repelled by the hippie’s lack of deodorant.

for me, it was a wasted hour of speculation and entertainment at others’ expense. but it could have been worse - i could have looked like this guy:

today i saw a bum with an ipod.

skepticism of sparing change for the homeless will now have a new look:

BUM: hey bro, can you spare some change?
NOT BUM: how do i know you’re not going to take my change and go right around the corner to the apple store and buy an ipod nano?
BUM: yeah, should i get the 2gb or the 4gb?
NOT BUM: well how big is your music library?
BUM: pretty much a few songs that i wrote with desmond on 43rd and chestnut who has a harmonica…and some clay aiken.
NOT BUM: perhaps the ipod shuffle seems more in your price range.
BUM: but it has no screen
NOT BUM: true. here’s a nickel.
BUM: god bless, man.

steve jobs has officially taken over the world.

as a few of you are already aware, i spend minutes everyday, or other day, or three days, bringing the hard-hitting journalism and commentary you deserve. i comb the literature, cite the facts, and post those difficult-to-capture pulitzer photos. this is my sacrifice for all of you. sometimes it’s a slow day on the blogging front, and i could compromise a few of my values and post some garbage about how i made a quilt last night, or how the cafeteria was all sold out of buffalo chicken wraps and i was pissed…but i don’t.

however, recently it has occurred to me, that some people actually make a blog out of this. various sites, which will go named, such as “livejournal” or “webdiary” and the like actually give those itching to share the mundane details of their life (like how it took 4 hours to shovel the driveway and you didn’t expect it to take that long but afterwards, the hot chocolate was really good…like your mom used to make) a chance to let it all out.

i don’t really understand the point. maybe i’m just jealous and bitter because all they have to do is wake up in the morning and take a really long crap in order to have something to write about; whereas my writers pull their hair out for hours, only seem to work about 3-4 days a week, and after all that spit out some rant about jamba juice or a punchline about some current event. and when they’re off, man do i struggle. and by no means am i saying my life is interesting - it’s not. i am a student. i have a computer. end of story.

but seriously. i know the internet is full of useless crap, but why would anyone care that you stayed in last night to do some cooking with your fiance. then the two of you watched “step mom” and went to bed. before bed, you read some of the da vinci code and you’re almost done! you can’t wait for the movie.

why are you blogging about this? and most importantly, why are you blogging at all? you already have a boyfriend - isn’t the point of keeping up a blog to score dates?

i guess i’m also oldschool when it comes to the diary thing. AS I RECALL, any diary you bought at office depot or some pump-up back-2-school stationary store had a LOCK on it. as in NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS BUT MATT MCPLAYER IS THE CUTEST GUY IN THE 3rd GRADE. i bet the web diary people now were probably the same folk that flipped out at age 8 when their older brother stole their diary and picked the lock with a paperclip. now all he needs is a computer and some googling skillz.

and next, don’t call me a stalker for stumbling on your site and reading it. i mean, it’s OUT THERE. and since you know people are going to randomly come across it, the least you could do is embellish a bit. maybe throw in a fact about CHUCK NORRIS

well, that marks about the first victory for the french since…well…yeah. go the french!

pardon my tonight show-esque one-liner, but i just couldn’t resist. and don’t think i am bias against the french. my father is french…kind of.