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me: crap, i’m really hungry but there’s nowhere on this campus to eat
someone else: jamba juice is open
me: jamba juice?
someone else: yeah, you could get a SMOOTHIE! - that should tie you over.
me: SHIT NO.

it’s not just that fact that their “shakes” weigh 40 pounds. it’s like eating a box of grape nuts in one sitting (which, i argue, cannot be done without imploding). i have no idea how they pack SO much into something the size of a softdrink. and what the crap is a “boost?” they might as well throw a 9-volt battery in your shake, or some speed. i’ve witnessed jamba juicings of friends before - afterwards, it’s not pretty.

but really - a “shake” or “smoothie” is a dessert. thus, if i’m going to have a shake, it will be in conjunction with a meal…and taste good - like chocolate or strawberry maybe. and this is where jamba juice has failed. they have made the shake = the meal. what a waste of a meal…on a shake. next thing you know you’re in the bathroom and NOT HUNGRY for REAL, TASTY food like pork chops and lasagna.

next, they made the meal of non-dessert-like flavors, like green tea crap, “orange-a-peel,” or “razzmatazz!” yeah, i want a shake with ground up orange peels in it. this isn’t LOST - i can get a burrito or a hamburger or anything else that my body is actually capable of digesting from right across the street if i wanted. they might as well have a “cinderblock crunch buster” flavor. “razzmatazz?” sounds “dazzling,” but who knows how many poop “boosts” they put in there.

so, if jamba juice wants to win my heart, they need to do the following:

1) make the shakes alcoholic - this way, one can get their daily recommended dose of bowel movements, calories, and get drunk all in about 25 min off of pretty much something the size of a soft drink. the ultimate in efficiency. they could even serve them in red cups or martini glasses

2) REAL shake flavors like “filet mignon-o-rama” or “taquito-sunrise” would be awesome. if a shake had a big-ass filet mignon in it or some taquitos, maybe i’d consider it. other flavors i’d like to see would be “cap’n crunch berry breeze,” “sour cream and onion pringles passion” and maybe “pack of hot dogs in the size of a shotglass…paradise.” accompanying “boosts” could include mozzarella sticks and kraft cheese singles.

3) start selling jamba shots - these items would be great. it would be the same power of a normal jamba juice but in the size of a shot glass and designed to be taken down in one slider-from-top-gun-bar-scene-in-the-beginning-where-he-meets-maverick-and-goose motion. these would all be pre-made. you pay, you take, you slam, you leave.

4) a jamba juice challenge - just like if you go to that one ribs place in your hometown you have the option of eating 10 lbs of ribs and then you get it for free - jamba juice should have a mega-smoothie (like a big gulp of smoothies) that combines like ALL the boosts. and you have like 25min to finish it. i would hang out at jamba juice all day to watch people attempt this without vomiting or convulsing from too much power.

take it or leave it jamba juice. but for now, i’m sticking to bubble tea.

now i know there have been some rumors about the possibility of cellphones causing brain tumors. i have been using a cellphone since about 2003 and i can assure all three of you that there is no harm in using cellphones. to prove this i just did the multiplication tables (1 through 9) and recalled all of the 87 states in alphabetical order. and you see, my sentiments are also being echoed by the FDA.

recently, the FDA (the same people that recommend all sorts of stuff nobody listens to) questioned a study by the “swedish national institute for working life” correlating cellphone usage to brain cancer. this makes me feel a bit more confident in the competency of the FDA, and really doesn’t change that much any of my presumptions of the swiss. apparently, the swiss (swiss, swedish - whatever) study used “questionnaires” sent to thousands of participants to decide that cellphone usage over time increased the risk of brain cancer. i can just imagine how accurate this study would have to be:

that being said, even if cellphones caused brain cancer, that can’t be that bad, can it? i mean, talking on a cellphone shouldn’t be allowed to make you smarter or cooler - especially if you’re on a crowded subway or bus and that one guy next to you blabbing loudly on his cellphone won’t shut up about “having the numbers on his desk tomorrow morning” and “the smith proposal.” i mean i’d much rather see THAT GUY collapse from some brain malfunction than the guy whose just quietly minding his own business, kicking ass at sudoku.

ps-just so we get one thing straight, my NCAA bracket that was picked via coinflips picked 50% of the final four teams and 50% of the final two teams. now, i’m an expert

well i’m declaring myself desperate for material today, so what the hell, why not bring back one of those excellent text message jokes suckers can get sent to their cellphone for $0.99/day. maybe i will accept donations if i keep these kinds of posts going, but every once and awhile it’s good to see if this crackhead joke-texting company (and by company i mean 13yr old british kid…probably) has lost their comedic touch…

and just so you believe me that i am actually receiving this crap on my phone instead of googling really bad jokes just to save a shekel, i included a screen shot (yes i know my battery is low). this is the real deal, people…

what is grey and not there.
no elephants.

well crap. not only did they opt for the command form of the question (aka. NO QUESTION MARK) but it is quite unclear to me as to whether or not the person being told the joke is supposed to answer incorrectly so that the punchline becomes “no, you dumbass - elephants. duh” however, after talking it through with the kid from jerry mcguire, it has become clear to me that elephants are indeed grey, so simply “elephants” cannot be the “answer.”

NOW, let us consider the literal punchline: “no elephants”

ok, so i get that if there are no elephants around (specifically “there”), they can still be grey. but so can a lot of stuff - cooked hamburger meat is kind of grey. so are steel reinforcement beams and some 4-door sedans. but maybe all these items were “there” at the time of the joke. but what if you were telling this joke in the african savannah? would the answer be an apple powerbook?

bottom line: this joke is not well thought out, but it does give rise to a new annoying joke template. the research to arrive at this new template is probably why we are being charged $0.99. see, now i can be funny to impress my friends:

what is yellow and not there. no canaries.
what is pink, purple, weird and not there. no dennis rodman.
what is brown and always there. chuck norris’s beard.

and so on.

i think my money would have been better spent on getting HALF of a pizza delivered from DOMINOS.

i know lately it seems as though i’ve just been picking on organizations and berrating them, but sometimes it’s just too easy. here i was just trying to sit down, relax a bit, maybe watch an episode or two of LOST and get a pizza for myself, macaulay culkin-style in home alone. ERROR.

DOMINO’S: um, domino’s pizza how can i help you. [yes, no question mark]
ME: yeah, i’d like a delivery
DOMINO’S: a doy, what’s your name
ME: arnold
D[takes 1min to type into computer]: ok, a doy, are you on spring street?
ME: no, that’s probably a DIFFERENT arnold. would you like my phone
number?
D: no, a doyie doy, that might be too much.
ME: [WTF?] um, ok.
D: is there anything else you’d like?
ME: besides this conversation to make sense and be productive towards
getting me a pizza? NO, NOT REALLY.
D: oh, you want a delivery?
ME: yes.
D: oh, i thought you already ordered.
me: yes, of course - i’m just calling domino’s, alone, late at night because i like
it when they talk retarded to me for $0.99/min.

[order finally happens]

D: that will be $11.90
ME: easy, there. what’s the tax?
D: 91 cents, a doy, and a delivery charge of $2.00
ME: a delivery charge?
D: yes, i’m sorry sir. that will be 35-40min.

a delivery charge? i don’t recall ever paying a delivery charge. you’re DOMINOS. it’s not like you didn’t know what you were getting into when you decided you wanted to DELIVER PIZZAS for a business model. next thing you’re going to tell me mcdonald’s is charging $1.00 for refills on sprite, and i have to pay to get into a women’s volleyball game.

well, at least the pizza wasn’t bad.

dear duke university lacrosse team,

thank you. no wait, hear me out. my hatred for DUKE goes way back to the early nineties when the “coach k” era began, and therefore is deeply rooted in NCAA basketball, and how you guys think you’re so sweet; which by extension seems to be embodied by the entire school - and therefore i have grown to roll my eyes in disgust at what duke represents.

you’re such the perfect school. your academics are solid, your foundation, pure. your basketball teams are indeed always elite, and your athletes always praised as being “model” collegians, with good grades, good morals, and set good examples. they always make the right decisions, sign autographs for little clueless kids, and “go pro in something other than sports” if they aren’t good enough to make the big leagues.

well what’s up now, MORONS. your team’s forcible rape charges will provide endless material for analogies and metaphors revolving around being inappropriate and demeaning to women. you have single-handedly managed to give the school more negative publicity than michael jackson at a chuck e cheese, all while reinforcing the stereotype that players on alpha-male sports teams think they are invincible because of whatever flintstone vitamins they popped that day.

but that being said, it’s nice to see that duke is normal just like any other university. scandals, NCAA infractions, athletes facing jailtime, bad publicity. although what happened is still sad, i am sitting back enjoying the fireworks. like when you always get busted by mom and dad for your older brother throwing food or starting fights - but then they walk in on him smoking pot and even though he looks like he’s in a lot of trouble, you’re smiling on the inside.

duke lacrosse - you LOSERS. you’re hurting the reputation of duke’s chess team, and solidifying the stereotypes of testosterone-driven sports teams - mainly that they are big meanies.

sincerely,
andrew

leave it to the new york times - i was notified of an article which summarized the conclusions of a recent study - “the most scientifically rigorous investigation of whether prayer can heal illness.” oh yeah, it gets better.

not only did the 2 bypass surgery groups (one receiving prayers, the other not) experience similar rates of post-op complications (the measure of whether or not prayer was effective), but within the group of patients receiving prayer, those whom were told they were being prayed for experienced increased rates of complications - this was shown by some sweet bar graphs in the actual paper. the reasoning? “perhaps from expectations the prayers created.” moral of the story: don’t pray for me you’re stressing me out.

i feel sorry for the group that didn’t get prayed for at all - i don’t know how they decided which patients were to get prayers. maybe that was the “scientifically rigorous” part of the study - “by systematically varying the height and rotation of a common two-sided monetary unit, we were able to conclusively arrive at an unbias way for dividing up patients into the two groups”

and of course there are NO variables in a prayer study. the research didn’t even set up the proper control experiments - like what about having groups where people prayed that the patients DID get complications, or groups where people tried to undo the prayers. or pray for george mason to win the ncaa tournament in addition to praying to relieve complications of some random patient.

and what about the people who prayed? supposedly they were members from local parishes who didn’t even know the patients. what if family members were praying for the patients who were supposed to be in the non-praying group?

what if the people praying for the patients prayed wrong? like they messed up a name?

conclusions? “the role of awareness of prayer should be studied further.” well shit. translation: after countless discussions with pretty much NOT GOD, we have no idea what the crap is going on with this whole “prayer thing.” at least whenever someone starts complaining to me about their money going into basic science research, i can cite this bullshit. and for future reference, i don’t think using science to prove god exists really works - i mean, that’s like proving intelligent design with natural selection. finally, the researchers didn’t even put GOD down as the primary author. the bible belt is going to have something to say about that.

while i do not really have much of on intro for the following lists, they are the result of 10-15 years experience on the social scene. the reason for their posting today goes back to my observation of a ~45yr old skateboarding, which i thought was awesome, but not in an efficient way. i thought he must have just started skateboarding in his early twenties or so, right when it was the cool thing for kids to do - but for some reason, he never let it go…

TOP 5 THINGS THAT AREN’T REALLY COOL NOW, BUT WERE PRETTY AWESOME WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER:

5. riding your bike with no hands. i see this just about everyday - yeah we get it, your momentum prevents the handlebars from turning, and unfortunately, you from faceplanting - oh, p.s. - everyone can do it so just chill out before you cause an accident.

4. velcro shoes - 1st grade = cool. 16th grade = RAINMAN (ok, rainman was alright, but you know what i mean). if you can’t tie your shoes by now…

3. working at mcdonalds and buying crappy “classic” cars to fix up - i group these because i feel they go hand in hand - most people worked at mc’ds to earn money to buy a tire from an old camaro so they could fix it up and have the sweetest ride at school. but if you’re still working at mcdonald’s in your twenties, and it’s not for a joke or something, save some of your self worth - go to taco bell.

2. nike “AIR” basketball shoes AND those lame addidas soccer shoes - EVERYONE wore this stuff and thought it was cool, and it was - i mean, these were the days of the tennis shoes revolution, in the era of michael jordan and the rising of gangs and expensive sports apparel. but i think we’ve all outgrown this stuff now. ONE EXCEPTION = rap music videos

1. flicking boogers at people - man, i remember these days, and the legend of nate johnson in 6th grade nailing joey meyer with a booger from across the room. but try doing that in a lecture hall in college, or at a job interview - ERROR

and, just for good measure, we might as well pay tribute to the goods that can really stand the test of time…

TOP 5 THINGS THAT WILL ALWAYS BE COOL:

5. saved by the bell - while saved by the bell “the college years” was a crappy attempt to prolong the series, it was still better than anything out today. saved by the bell started it all. 90210? crap! (except for the theme song which was pretty awesome). before melrose, 90210, friends, the OC - any other show which tells of the daily drama between three guys and three girls, there was saved by the bell. and ac slater will never be replaced. nor will his hair.

4. working at taco bell - whether you’re 4, 12, 26, or 78 years of age, taco bell is a sweet deal. especially if they keep the crunchwrap supreme going. plus they have that sour cream gun which goes unparalleled as the sweetest “utensil” in the food industry (have you seen the trajectory on those things?)

3. rice krispy treats. this may sound lame, but i could eat a whole pan of that stuff back in 7th grade. and now i can still take one down - with a few beers to boot.

2. reebok pumps - the concept of “pumping air” into a shoe was revolutionary in the era of “inferior” shoes that only had pre-set volumes of “air” in their soles. and the pure motion of reaching down, not to tie your shoe, but to squeeze the tongue of the shoe a few times, rise up, and give that look that you, my friend, are now READY TO ROCK.

1. farting

it occurred to me through my own personal conscience and comments of those around me that maybe i was being a bit too harsh on the “city worker” stereotype and exploiting the fine, hardworking employees of the campus. as such, to make up for it, i have created a small tribute to them. it’s the least i could do, and i’m thinking this won’t be the last time we cross paths with our landscaping friends (quicktime format)…

WORKER TRIBUTE/I’M SORRY

went to walmart yesterday and i almost pulled a gun from the sporting goods section and shot myself. i’m sure this kind of thing about walmart has been ranted about constantly, but this store is SO STRESSFUL for the average human. next time i go i feel i’m going to have to knock out four teeth, wear some awesome sweatpants with the t-shirt advertising the local tavern tucked in, and bring along 12 screaming kids with ice cream stains on their faces just to fit in.

the most ridiculous, annoying part is navigation. it’s like trying to navigate the boston marathon in an escalade: you’re not going anywhere, everyone’s screaming, and there’s a high probability that someone next to you just defecated their pants. why an escalade? because that’s how i roll.

also, i’d say about 90% of all items in the store are in use by customers at any given moment, which is disturbing - i mean what if want to buy that 4ft diameter beachball? not after junior just barfed on it from eating too much candy corn from aisle 3 while his attentive mom was at the checkout. which leads to another interesting point: the ratio of toddlers to adults is just a little too high - it’s suspicious, really. people can’t have that many kids on average - i think that “parents” are convinced that walmart doubles as a babysitter just drop your kids off at 9am, pick ‘em up at 5pm.

but walmart is pretty damn cheap. cheap towells, paper plates, toothpaste, and best of all, cheap nerf weapons. but when i have kids, we’re going to target.

during my summers while in highschool i worked for city, or to be more specific, the shit plant, in my hometown. this is the place where all the toilets flush to so the water can be purified enough to be discharged into the river, etc. it also deals with distribution of freshwater to homes. however, the sweetest part about working for the city is the experience of toiling side-by-side with some of the country labor force’s most conditioned, politically correct, and efficient employees.

as such i can spot a city worker miles away, and let’s just say the guys i observed right outside my window on campus (see below) were making me nostalgic for the cityworker lifestyle. i decided to chronologically capture their on-the-job efficiency…