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River Hills, WI - It seems as though the effects of doping in Major League Baseball, highlighted by such sluggers as Sammy Sosa, Mark McGuire, and Barry Bonds, have trickled down into our very own elementary schools.

Just yesterday, a report of recess violence at Woodview Elementary near the jungle gym (adjacent to the north entrance) which left five 2nd graders aching in pain from what was described as “the worst mass charlie horsing ever,” initiated an investigation into this unexpected outburst of anger. After questioning, the perpetrater, a known-to-be calm and tranquil 4th grader named Billy Arnold, admitted to using “vitamins” to enchance his kickball performance and increase his speed at multiplication tables. When his peers started calling him “Bearded Billy” he decided to “show them what it’s like.” Fights at recess occur daily, but a larger issue looms in the background at present: playground steroids - where/how do our country’s youth obtain these pills of pre-puberty power? The answer? Just check the local supermarket shelves…

All around the country children are stocking up on a performance enhancing “drug” known over the counter as “Flintstone vitamins.” The aptly named “vitamin,” contains significant amounts of vitamin B-12, folic acid, calcium, iron, yellow #6, and monoammonium glycyrrhizinate; the latter is where the drug gets its street name: “the rhizzle.” Other schoolyard lingo abusers are using include “getting stoned,” “passing the flint,” and “Barneys.”

The vitamin is most commonly taken orally, in tablet form, but some students have applied techniques of “free basing” and “shooting up” to ensure a more rapid desirable effect. The effects range from a decline in acne to increased mental capacity, shoe-size, and resistance to cooties.

And, students are definitely noticing a change in the physical and mental makeup of their peers over the past few grades.

“I remember Billy Arnold in 1st grade,” a 4th grader at Woodview whom wished to remain anonymous recalled. “He was always getting picked on for eating his boogers and reading too slow. Then, what seemed like overnight, he became the fastest reader in the class and even climbed the rope in gym class…and our gym ceiling is pretty high - Billy was DEFINITELY popping barneys between classes.”

Bayer, the company responsible for marketing/distributing Flintstone vitamins is quick to deny that their product is responsible for the waves of “recess rage” sweeping the nation’s playgrounds.

“Children over 4 years of age should take one tablet daily for 100% of recommended daily amounts of nutrients, as outlined by the FDA. These children are clearly not following the directions, and, as a result, are using the vitamins for something which they are not intended for,” a Bayer spokesperson commented. When asked if he had ever used Flintstone vitamins to enhance his performance, he choked our photographer, yelling “Do you know what it’s like! Being last in gym class!? Do you?”

But with 3-6 delicious flavors and an amount of iron equivalent to 6.5 cups of spinich, it’s not hard to see where the future of elementary school is going.

“It’s not fair,” 10yr old Mikey Willhome blurted, sipping on his Hi-C. “I study spelling every nights, [sic] and I get C’s on my quizzes. Fucking C’s. The bell curve has shifted because of these Flintstone vitamins…these, STEROIDS. They should be banned, and the abusers punished.” Mr. Willhome was then given an atomic wedgie by fellow classmates Josh Overton and Matt Huss.

What is being done at home and in the classroom to control the vitamin abuse? Not a whole lot, says Jill Moddy, Woodview’s school nurse. “While bottles of Flintstone vitamins are not uncommon items to be found in students’ backpacks, they are also perfectly legal substances. Unless a teacher catches a student in the act of downing two, three, or more of these chewable, fun character shapes, not much can be done outside of educating about the dangers of abusing these steroid tablets.

And dangers there are many. While the benefits of Flintstone use to a scrawny geek 2nd grader may outweigh the dangers, one should be aware that abuse of the tasty fruit flavored tablets may lead to damaged tooth enamel, skin discoloration, and heightened hormone levels - the latter being the primary cause for premature development of facial hair and recess rage.

At this time, the only solution is random urine screens. The tablets, although quickly absorbed by the body, have ingredients which are not excreted for at least a few days and can be detected in a fresh urine sample. These, however, are being met with some resistance by Parent-Teacher groups (PTGs).

Other concerns stem from a pressure to create even better, traceless vitamins. Bayer has just released a new “Flintstone gummy” in 3 great flavors and fun character shapes of Fred, Dino, and Pebbles. These designer vitamins allow even more to be eaten at once and are not detectable by elementary school heath room analytical techniques. What might be most frightening, is that introducing a designer vitamin does not require the backing of a large company. The “Gilbert,” named after it’s 2nd grader creator, Johnny Gilbert from the apartments on 1st avenue, was a homemade after school concoction…and it’s just hitting the playground at the time of this story.

It appears that education and ethics our parents’ only defenses in this arena at this point in time. So if you see any children punching holes through walls or bending monkey bars on the playground, you might want to search their backpacks.